The Every Guy’s Guide: A better disaster survival kit
Colin Joliat 
The artist formerly known as Hurricane Irene has come and gone. She left me feeling very unsatisfied, of course that’s easy to say from the comfort of my Chicago high-rise. For all the pomp and circumstance that took over every form of media, the storm didn’t nearly live up to the hype. While I am thankful that very few people were injured, the rubbernecker in me was hoping for more of a disaster. I was looking for a full on Waterworld scenario.
Even though most contingency plans weren’t needed, I think we need to revisit the way people prepared for this potential natural disaster. Based on the images and notes posted online, most people weren’t thinking all that logically about what would happen if the hurricane had caused serious damage to the East coast. I’ve made a couple tweaks to the conventional plan so you will be fit to survive if something goes wrong in the future.
Food
Standard protocol when preparing for a disaster is to stock up on food and water. All water is essentially the same, unless of course it’s from Fiji, in which case it tastes terrible. Buying food, on the other hand, requires more of G.W. Bush’s strategery. There were countless pictures posted on Facebook showing off the barren shelves of Whole Foods. While I understand that my yuppie friends want to eat organic peaches and wouldn’t dream of touching food that’s full of preservatives, it’s not bright when prepping for the long haul. Imagine if NYC had turned into New Orleans ’05. How long are those farm-to-table Champagne Mangos going to last without refrigeration? If the power is out for more than two days, those who filled their kitchen from Whole Foods are going to be crippled with food poisoning or starve to death. I’m not suggesting that you load the pantry with Twinkies (they never go bad, as we leaned from The Simpsons and Family Guy), but this is one case when preservatives are your friend. While 7-11’s new hot dog flavored chips are tempting, you are going to need at least some nutritional value. Just don’t rely on anything that will require cooking or cooling. Stock up on canned fruits and vegetables, not pasta and rice. If it all blows over, you can donate some of the canned goods to a local food bank and make yourself feel like a decent human being for a couple hours.
Alcohol
Any good survival kit involves alcohol. You may be in close quarters for an extended period of time with people you don’t really like all that much. The best way to make that situation more tolerable is to drink your way through it. During the great Chicago Snowpocalypse of 2011, I made the mistake of stocking up on beer. Thankfully I retained power throughout, but it dawned on me that had I lost the use of my refrigerator, the beer would have been a waste. While I’m not above drinking skunked brews, I see no reason to put myself in that position. Instead, liquor is the way go. Whiskey will easily survive the worst that a hurricane could bring your way. You don’t need ice; it’s perfectly fine without mixers, and once it’s gone you can use the bottle as a weapon to defend the rest of your stash. If you want to go a step further and be the coolest cat in the refugee camp, pick up a couple cases of red wine as well. While the other bros are trying to seduce women with warm flat Schlitz, you can offer them the perfect wine pairing for that can of Franks ‘n’ Beans.
Transportation
Another initial reaction is to fill your gas tank and a few extra gas cans. There were long lines at every gas station starting on Thursday as people panicked to get a last second petroleum dosage. This is a logical move, but do you really think that’s going to help when the water level is five feet high? Unless you own Gravedigger, you aren’t driving anywhere. The better thought would be to buy a raft and paddle your way around town. On second thought, you are probably going to be bored without power, so stock up on raincoats and contact cement beforehand. That way you can kill time by building your own raft like Frank Morris and the Anglin Bros. While everyone else is stuck at home, you will have free reign on the entire city. If you don’t have time to do a full disaster prep, this should be number one on your list. You can always take your raft out looting to obtain the rest of your supplies after the fact.
Porn
With a sincere apology to Tanner Mayes, I regret to inform the porn industry that no one pays to watch smut anymore. With XVideos, RedTube, PornTube, PornHub, YouPorn – just to name a couple of the top of my head – there is really no reason to go out and suffer the embarrassment of purchasing pornography. I did, however, discover during an intense battle with my Internet provider that it’s crucial to keep a stockpile of material on your hard drive. In preparing for a natural disaster though, the industry has come full circle. Without power, the modern man will now also be without porn. Given that there is no way to know how long it will be until you can power up your precious laptop, get out there and buy yourself some old school porn rags before it’s too late. You don’t want to be stuck relying on that US Weekly you swear isn’t yours and your vivid imagination.
Obviously this isn’t the complete list of things you would need to ride out the storm, but they are a few minor improvements over conventional wisdom. I also highly recommend a crossbow, board games, candles, matches, and a rubber ducky. Thankfully, the storm blew past without too much damage, but hopefully you were prepared for the worst. I know I was. Check out the original intro paragraph I wrote for today’s article here.
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