7 things to hope men have in the future
Jason Epstein
The future has been viewed as utopian societies where everyone gets along but has zero personality, mysterious metropolitan areas with mindless drones in silver jumpsuits and Armageddon-ridden warzones with only the nuclear sunset to disturb its gritty color palette. But what about just a vision of a future where men have awesome toys with which to propel their manliness into the proverbial stratosphere? I’ve put together a list of kick-ass devices that any man of the future hopes to have at the ready any day and every day.
7 A Shaving Device That Works Instantaneously
Instead of Mach X to the tenth power (or whatever we’re up to by then) why not just a device you can place your face into that lasers off your facial hair based on pre-determined styles or clean shaven preference in one second flat? Then we would have time for the important shaving that takes a hell of a lot more time and precision (I am of course, talking about manscaping).
6 Condoms That Go On By Themselves, Don’t Break, Feel Like Nothing and are Free
Basically what I’m saying here is no one likes condoms and they are the devil disguised in rubber form.
5 Alarm Clocks That Simulate Sizzling Meat Smells to Wake You Up
Men like to live and die by meat, so why not an alarm clock that brings you to your senses with the best non-fellatio oriented sensation possible? I’m talking about bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin, smoked BBQ brisket, buffalo wings, filet mignon and red wine-braised lamb shank scents permeating our olfactory senses with intent. I want this so bad, I can smell it.
4 Cars That Drive Themselves
I know that Google has one already, so hold your tongue Internet. What I’m looking forward to is when these take the place of regular cars. When perfected, it’ll mean traffic flowing smoothly, better gas mileage, and of course, the ability to sleep in DURING your commute to work.
3 Ocular Implants That Help Identify Fake Boobs
This’ll help guys who love fake girls to find them quick and guys who dislike them to turn and run. I’d have to imagine that there’s a market for this in Southern California.
2 Light Sabers
I shouldn’t even have to explain this. But, it can be used as a weapon as easily as it can be used as hedge clippers or a Carpaccio knife. You don’t have to be one with the force to wield an item you can buy at any home appliance store… in the future.
1 Alcohol with No Hangover
Sure you might black out, send pictures of your uvula to your entire office and eat your weight in bagel bites, but at least you’ll be fresh in the morning and ready to drink once again. Go you.
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