Things Osama bin Laden’s death means to America

Chris Spags Founder and Editor

Last night was obviously a major night in American history with the death of Osama bin Laden bringing an end to our country’s 10-year hunt for justice. So, let’s just recap what this whole “Osama bin Laden has been killed” thing really means.

obama kills bin laden birth certificate 309x196 Things Osama bin Ladens death means to AmericaAccording to various media outlets around the Web, the bin Laden death will accomplish the following:

-End the NFL lockout
-Turn America against Superman
-Lead to more American war, this time in Pakistan
-Piss off God
-Help “Captain America” become the biggest superhero movie release yet
-Decrease the effectiveness of the Navy SEALS’ team who killed bin Laden, “Team 6″
-Increase mansion sales in Abbottabad, Pakistan
-Result in less access to news in North Korea
-Create another airport-based attack on the US
-Increase business in Atlanta
-Confuse the shit out of kids
-Help the value of the US dollar
-Decrease oil prices
-Affect the value of everything from diamonds to sheepdogs
-Leave America vulnerable to an attack from New Jersey
-Make the world realize how silly the whole Royal Wedding thing was
-Change the way the NY Times uses “Mr.”
-Lead to a rise in pizza sales
-Bring pride to many Steven Seagal fans
-Change the way Missouri politics are conducted
-Make Twitter America’s go-to news source
-…unless it isn’t
-And, most importantly, reveal that Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson knows more about American intel than any media outlet in the world

The bin Laden death is everything. It is nothing. It is a sea of change. It is hours away from degenerating into the same political circle jerk we always see. It is celebration. It is bloodlust. It is the greatest moment in American history. It is the precipice of more darkness to come.

Overall, if you take anything away from this momentous occasion, it’s this: There should be no agenda. This closes the crux of the story of one of the saddest incidents in American history. It should not be a frattish celebration. It should not be a time for political acrimony and 2012 election prognostication. It should be about the families of the victims of 9/11 maybe getting some measure of closure and about us here in the US thanking those brave men and women overseas for doing things like this without most of us ever even knowing.

/soapbox
/back to apolitical pics of hot chicks and people embarrassing themselves in hilarious fashion

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