This week in e-cards

sometimes being the bigger person means smiling and nodding while fantasizing about punching the other person in the throat
May your Friday the 13th be filled with naive, horny, pot-smoking teenagers and not a machete-wielding mass murdererthe morning is a success if I make it to lunch without eating my lunchIf I died and went straight to Hell it would take me a week to realize I wasn't at work anymoreI tried my best to see thigns from your point of view but your point of view is stupidthis workday is going slower than a florida arrestI'd dread Friday the 13th much more of it was on a mondayI would hold in my farts for youDont' forget your baseball team can easily bounce back from a slow start to have an epic end-of-season meltdownTake comfort in knowing that the other meaning of Santorum will live on in Google searches foreverI wonder if the women who plan their unrealistic weddings on Pinterest will plan their realistic divorces on PinterestI'd pay $1 billion for you to stop sharing your Instagram photos with meI'm fairly certain that gefilte fish is what makes people afraid of JewsTGIF, motherfuckersWe're total fucking bad assesWe're friends. You laugh, I laugh. You cry, I cry. You jump off a bridge, I get on my boat and save your retarded assNext time the bully asks for your lunch money tell him you left it on his mother's dresseropen your legs and let me be a part of your lifeI'd kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I'd lose my shoeThey say "you are what you eat" that's funny I don't remember eating a sexy beast this morningI'm high on life. Drugs are my lifeI'm not showing off I'm just way fucking better than you