This week in e-cards

If I ever had to run for my life I would probably die.
I smoked all m weed :(This 4/20, good luck blaming your bloodshot eyes on allergy season.I'd definitely attend a marijuana legalization rally if I wasn't too stoned to leave my apartment.Let's smoke enough pot so that we make even less sense than the meaning of 4/20I don't need pot to be hungry, lazy, and paranoid.Our son is smoking marijuana! This is horrible! If he doesn't invite us to burn soon I'm going to go fucking ape-shit.I just want a girl to get high and cuddle with.I can only get that "runner's high" by smoking pot before I run, and then not actually running.I brought you weed because flowers can't get you high.I plan to celebrate Earth Day by only smoking pot that was grown outdoorsSorry that Colombian prostitues make more money than you.Even a dead Dick Clark has a stronger work ethic than me.Be responsible this Earth Day by staying close to home when you sleep with and refuse to pay prostitues.Remember to pay your taxes so the Secret Service doesn't have to haggle over $47 with Colombian hookersYour God-fearing Facebook updates do not cause me to forget the godless whore you were in high schoolSorry a dead rapper's hologram is in much better shape than you.Do not underestimate my ability to find shit out.Dick Clark has died. We can no longer ring in the New Year. Well played Mayans. Well played.If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it an an envelope, fold it up and shove it up your ass.I never have any friends because the type of people I want to be friends with are the ones that never go outside and make friends.I hate when I'm singing a song and someone corrects me.. I'm like 'Bitch, what if I was freestyling."Every bad decision is an opportunity for a good story.People think that I'm quite because I'm shy, but really I've been silently judging them from afar and determining that they're all fucking retards.This morning I thought "I'm motivated. Today will be a productive day!" Then I realized it was noon, and I'm not wearing any pants.Real Life is the most competitively imbalanced game. That's why I don't play it.Who lit the fust on your tampon?Vasectomies: 25% less painful than having more children.Nothing fucks up your Friday like realizing its only Tuesday.I only drink on two occasions. When it's my birthday and when it's not.No one needs to drink to have fun. That's liek saying you don't need a lighter to start a fire when you have two rocks. One's just going to be goddamn easier.You agree with my opinions. I like that about you.Dear Lord, please let there be a zombie apocalypse so I can start shooting all these motherfuckers in the face.If you start a man a fire, he'll be warm for the rest of the day. If you set a man on fire he'll be warm for the rest of his life.