This week in e-cards

I wish there was a Jedi mind trick I could use to get you to stop talking about Star Wars Day.
My superpower is stopping drunk friends from uploading embarrassing photos to FacebookMay The Avengers inspire you to drink superheroically this Cinco de MayoYou can only say, "WTF?" so many times a day until you just decide to start drinkingI've got a pocket full of fucks and I'm not giving any of themRomeo and Juliet is not a love story. It's a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that caused 6 deaths. Sincerely, everyone who actually read it.I see those penis enlarging pills are working, you're a bigger dick today than you were yesterday.When I say "hiking" I really mean "do a shit ton of drugs in the woods."The reason I swear so much is because fuck you.I hope failing your Spanish final doesn't interfere with your Cinco de Mayo celebrationI have this weird self-esteem issue where I hate myself, yet I still think I'm better than everyone else.Just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now.We're still having sex, but now it's not purely recreationalI think the fuck I give went that way.Let's honor the bravery of Mexican soldiers this Cinco de Mayo by drunkenly devouring a Doritos-shelled tacoIf I had a nickel for every time I've wanted to kill you, I'd probably have enough to hire someone to do it for me.Good luck studying information you'll never use in the job you won't have when you graduatePlease let the wedding speeches be shorter than a level of Angry Birds.Looks like its fuck this shit o'clockLadies, there is a fine line between wearing make up and looking like Crayola gang banged your faceI've got a bad case of the fuck-itsSimply saying "no homo" does not compensate for the homo-ness you've just displayed.Once a month women turn crazy for about 30 days.I've decided to have a relaxing weekend at home since no one invited me to do anythingDon't forget that blow jobs are like flowers for men.Everyone is entitled to my opinion