This week in e-cards

I want to defriend you on Facebook and also in real life.
Let's drink tonight like we're Facebook employees and drink more when we remember we're notLet's celebrate our lack of hangovers by getting a jumpstart on tomorrow's hangovers.To Do List: 1) Buy a sword. 2) Name it Kindness. 3) Kill people with KindnessSorry your apartment after graduation won't even be as nice as the crappy ones in GirlsGirl, I just wanna smoke weed, cuddle, listen to Pink Floyd, watch Tarantino movies all night, and sleep till 12. Can we do that?Graduation is when your summers of unpaid internships finally earn you a full-time unpaid internshipPlease suggest a movie for us to see so that I can find out if you have terrible taste.Your pre-sneeze face freaks me outSorry I can't make it to your party, dinner, or event because I want to watch previously recorded television.Hello, this is customer service. How can I help you? Oh really? well fuck you too!It's only illegal if you get caughtThe Facebook IPO is a great reminder of how much money there is to be made on helping people waste their livesCongratulations to Facebook on going public with all my private informationAny company that ensures I never forget your birthday should be worth at least $100 billion.The best thing about you and me is meThe Facebook IPO is a great reminder of how much money there is to be made on helping people waste their livesI totally have nothing better to do than site on the main page of Facebook and click like on things seconds after they're postedSince you're just an acquaintance I'll pretend that I don't smell your fart.Look, she's the baby that destroyed Mommy's vagina. This is why you'll all be my favorite, son.Let me file that under fuck it.Why certainly. I'd love to be your punk bitch for the duration of this call.It's better to have loved and lost than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life.That moment when you hear someone else call your best friend their best friend and you are like... No."If I don't need to know it, fuck it. If it annoys me, fuck it. If you annoy me, fuck you." I love my mom!I didn't say, "What you need is a facelift." I said, "What you need is a forklift."I'm sorry for the unkind words I spoke out of hunger.I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 5 years in a row.Hey, you complain about the same things I complain about!personally, I think the cardiovascular workout of a homosexual couple having sex is more productive than all this talk about it.Off is the general direction in which I wish you would fuck.I miss the days when my life was dysfunctional in a way that others found merely humorousProcrastinator! No, I save all of my homework until the last minute because then I'll be older, therefore more wise.I promise to be nicer if you promise to be smarter.Congratulations, you graduated from fuck ass University with a doctorate in bullshit. Be proud...That was awesome. You achieved greatness for a second.Everything happens for a reason, but sometimes things happen because you're stupid and make bad decisions.Everytime I see a math word problem it looks like this: If I have 10 ice cubes and you have 11 apples. How many pancakes will fit on the roof? Answer: Purple because aliens don't wear hats.Isn't it interesting that a country founded founded to allow freedom from religious persecution is now using religion to persecute freedoms?Here in the South we don't hide crazy. We parade it on the front porch and give it a cocktail.Let's go drink 'til we can't feel feelings anymore