This week in e-cards

I've decided that my racy Facebook statuses are more important to me than the judgements of future employers.
If I had known you were coming over, I would have left the house.I don't want to ruin what we have by actually being involved with you in any capacity.Here's to the Yankees and Red Sox making their historic rivalry a battle for last placeI heard you go down even faster than Facebook stock.There's nothing like listening to your fat ass criticize professional athletes for not hustling.No amount of tanning will ever change how hopelessly white you are.I hate LeBron James even more than LeBron James loves LeBron JamesJust a heads up that you're running out of time to invite me to your summer house this weekend.Sorry to hear that your Facebook stock is now as worthless as your Facebook posts.Let's spend Memorial Day weekend damaging our bodies enough to ensure the military never wants us.Enjoy your time off from doing nothing.My favorite thing about Summer is having a valid excuse for my excessive sweatingI can't wait to spend Monday doing nothing on a beach instead of doing nothing at work.My favorite Facebook public offerings are still your beach photos.There's not stronger sunscreen than sitting in a bar.Fuck school, I'm going to marry someone rich.I'm pretty sure it's office policy that summer Happy Hours start at lunch.I don't care how small that spider is. I want it dead.Anyone who thinks I'm not a classy lady can go buttlick their grandma.I will always love the false image I had of youDo you like Dragons? Because I'll be Dragon my balls across your face later.I'm starting group meetings at my house for people with OCD. Not because I have it, but surely one of them will be bothered enough to clean it.Facebook constantly reminds me that people uglier than me are getting engaged.So much to do. So few fucks to give.Can we skip the pleasantries and just fuck?Oh you bought FB shares on the first day of trading? My condolences on your unrealized capital losses. Have some canned goods.FRIDAY is my second favorite F word.You are probably the most enthusiastic, likeable, bad influence I've ever met.Summer has snuck up once again on me and my giant ass.I propose a toast to the booze for making you all seem tolerable.Wow honey, the house is so clean! Was the internet down for a while today?I'm jealous of you because you get to see yourself naked every day.The website where I waste all my time has taught me more about spelling and grammar than my school career ever did.I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.Oh, you had a bad day? Here have a glass of shut the fuck up and deal with it.I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summertimeMy entire goal in life is to show my friends who are not single how awesome being single is.The biggest honor I can bestow upon America this Memorial Day is not taking my shirt off.Let's spend Memorial Day weekend being as careless, sloppy, and destructive as Facebook's IPO.