This week in e-cards

Why does Facebook even give me the option to 'Like' my own status? Of course I like my status, I'm fucking hilarious. And sexy.
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I feel lazier than the guy who created the Japanese flagRemember when falling in love its head over heels not heels over headProgramming is like sex. You start fiddling cause there's nothing on tv and only nine months later you'll realize that you have to maintain the result for the next two decades.I never called you an asshole. I just said you were acting like one.If ever you die from auto-erotic asphyxiation I promise to rearrange your corpse before its discovered by your loved onesSeems liek you have a case of being a little bitch. I'm prescribing you a heavy dose of man the fuck up.No, no, I'm still listening. That was just the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heardI named my hard drive dat ass so once a month my computer asks me if I want to back "dat ass" upI snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomachOpening day of baseball means only 120 more games until we need to start caring about baseballMoney Can't buy me happiness. But I'd much rather cry in a mansionWhen work feels overwhelming remember that you're going to die