This Week in Women: Angelina Pivarnick, Jacqui Moore & more

Bitches be crazy. This week and every week. Here’s your usual rundown of the most notable offenders. We’ve got a washed up reality star blaming you for her medical issues, a woman with a warped definition of “individuality,” a bitch asking for a lot from a man who already gave her plenty, and a crack whore. Because what list is complete without a good crack whore.

Bitch Who Needs a PR Team of the Week: Angelina Pivarnick
Listen. I hate this bitch, but no one deserves to go through a miscarriage. When I first heard about it I actually felt bad. First she gets dumped on her ass by her fiancé, and then she loses her baby. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Except maybe Kristen Stewart. I just want to give that bitch a reason for her constant pouty face.

But in a recent interview on some creepy priest show that probably shouldn’t exist, Angelina blamed the loss of her baby on the media. She claimed that the stress of being chastised for being a dirty cheating whore was too much for her fetus to handle, and that’s why she wasn’t able to carry him to term. I swear this bitch should offer classes on how to be completely and utterly despised by people you’ve never even met. Hey Ange; maybe you should stop making appearances on obscure cable network talk shows in an attempt to hold onto your fame when you’re carrying around the product of your infidelities in your uterus. No one’s going to ask you questions about your short stint on Jersey Shore with that huge elephant in your womb.

But yeah, blaming the media for your miscarriage is probably the most effective way to distract everyone from all the glaring evidence that points to this being a certain “elective procedure.” Yeah, I said it.

You’re Doing It Wrong Bitch of the Week: Jacqui Moore
Jacqui here is a 41-year-old mother of two who decided to celebrate her independence post-divorce by covering her entire body in tattoos. I could probably get behind that sentiment if it weren’t for one minor detail: she’s getting inked by her new boyfriend. Who also appears to be covered in tats. Interesting way to assert your newfound liberation, Jac. Being permanently branded by your rebound dude. Maybe when this one gets sick of you you can fall in love with a nevernude and embrace the fact that no one will have to gaze upon your hideous ink spill of a body ever again.

Overzealous Bitch of the Week: Herpes Lawsuit Lady
An unnamed woman from Chicago is seeking $350,000 from a dude she slept with for knowingly infecting her with genital herpes. While we all know (from personal experience or not, I don’t judge) just how much it sucks to cop the herpalerp, I’m not too sure I’d call it a quarter-million-dollar amount of suck. She’s justifying the amount by saying her husband refuses to sleep with her now that she’s been infected. Yup, her husband. This little exchange of gifts was extramarital for both, and occurred in the ever-so-romantic setting of his pick up truck. Maybe I’m crazy, but if I cheated on my husband in some raunchy ass rest-stop tryst and walked away with an itchy consolation prize, the last thing I’d think to do is sue the dude for ruining my marriage. Good luck with it, though. All the money in the world isn’t gonna relieve you of the life sentence you whored your way into. Karma’s a bitch like that.

My Anti-Drug Bitch of the Week: Natasha Hubbard
Oh hey there, crazy lady. That’s a good looking picture. You totally don’t look like a cracked out Wayans brother. At all. And it’s completely shocking to me after seeing it that you’d be arrested for snatching someone’s baby from its stroller and slamming it into a truck bed.

Yup, that’s right. This bitch grabbed a 4-month-old out of his mothers’ care and just straight up spiked it into a Dodge Ram. Why, you might ask? She later told detectives that she wanted to break the baby’s arm off so she could eat it. God I love crack.

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