This Week in Women: Candace Kiley, Rebecca Black & more
Katie Nolan 
As a treat to you on this lovely Thursday, we’ve got a wide range of women who acted foolish in the news this week. There’s a woman who beat up a little girl for checking out her man, a teenage demon slayer with daddy issues, a woman suing Google because she’s stuck in 1990, a mother who didn’t want to be a mother until she realized she was ready to be a mother, and Rebecca f*ckin’ Black. This, gentlemen, is your week in women.
Irrationally Jealous Bitch of the Week: Candace Kiley
This 24-year-old woman was arrested this week for assaulting a 12-year-old girl who she claimed was looking at her boyfriend… her 30-year-old boyfriend. You know, I kind of needed a nice little news piece like this to remind me why I started writing my blog in the first place. Women are ridiculous with this jealousy shit. Lady, if you’re a grown ass woman and feel threatened by a kid who was born on the cusp of Y2K and probably still gets a kick out of watching Dora the Explorer, I’m not sure you’re going to make it too far in life. I mean, most of us just have to worry about our attractive contemporaries making a move for our boyfriends’ peen, but you’ve got to think of all the pre-pubescent girls out there who are just waiting for him to teach them what a condom looks like. You might even have to completely cut certain destinations out of your daily routine. Your niece has a dance recital? Better fly solo. Need a new pair of jeans? Might wanna steer clear of the mall. And if he wants to take you on a nice romantic date to McDonald’s, you’d better be sure to pick one with no playground. Just in case.
Daddy’s Little Bitch of the Week: Brynne Larson
This 16-year-old bible-toting broad is one of five teenage girls who attend school in Arizona to become exorcists. The school is run by her dad, Reverend Bob Larson, who says she is “supernaturally talented.” Yeah, so did my dad when he was my softball coach and wanted to look like he wasn’t playing favorites when I was batting lead-off and starting every game on the mound. Guess what though? I sucked at softball. And if exorcism was a real thing that I had any sort of belief in, I’d guess you’re probably not too good at it either. Luckily for you, it’s hard for people to notice you’re a fraud cashing in on daddy’s position of power when the whole operation is based on bullshit. It’ll still probably end up the same as my situation, though. You’ll wake up one day and discover beer and the opposite sex, and your complete lack of interest in all other activities will trump your fathers’ desperate attempts to make you a star. Except the opposite sex thing might be a little challenging for you. Not too many 16-year-old boys are fighting for a chance with the chick with a jug of holy water in her purse and a dad who gets off slaying evil spirits.
Bitch with Too Much Free Time of the Week: Debra Marquis
This bitch is suing Google for scanning the content of emails sent by non-Gmail users to those with an account because it apparently violates some Massachusetts wire-tapping law. This is one of those lawsuits you have to sit around and think up one day when you’re strapped for cash because your degree in Women’s Studies isn’t paying off in the real world. Like, really? Are you that bothered that some robot is scanning the keywords in the corn bread recipe you sent to your sister and trying to sell her diet pills because of it? Is it honestly weighing on you so much that you’ve gotta file a class-action suit and urge others to join in? Just a quick heads up: it’s going to be awfully hard to find enough people to back that up when you’re almost literally the last bitch still using AOL.
Indian-Giver Bitch of the Week: Nunu Sung
This woman, who abandoned her baby in a neighbors’ back yard when he was, like, 15 minutes old, is fighting for custody. The kid was literally found by a dog… under a tree… with hypothermia… with his umbilical cord still attached… and this lady thinks she’s totally qualified to be responsible for his life. I’m really baffled by the game plan here. I’ve always said that if I have a kid, much like if I ever get a puppy, I’m going to try to get rid of it after the age of like three. The cuteness is all worn out and the thing starts to become a financial and emotional burden. Get it off me. But this broad left her kid with a foster family for the first two years of his life and now wants to fight for the right to start him up a college fund? If I were that kid’s legal guardian I’d sign on that dotted line immediately before she comes to her senses.
Overreacting Bitch of the Week: Rebecca Black
Apparently the endlessly talented songbird of our generation has been forced out of school by bullying caused by her single “Friday.” You just have to know that isn’t true. “Bullying” is so hot right now; bitches eat that shit up. Rebecca’s just got a smart publicist who wants to spin her diva-esque move to home-schooling into some relatable crusade for all the other awkward Youtube sensations out there. Keep shining, girls, no matter what those mean, horrible bullies have to say!
And yeah, Rebecca, what did those mean people have to say? What was so horrendous that it “forced” you to trade in your public education for a less desirable life of cameos in Katy Perry music videos and no report cards? “When I walk by they’ll start singing ‘Friday’ in a really nasally voice. Or, you know, they’ll be like, ‘Oh hey, Rebecca, guess what day it is?’”
GASP. The horror. Someone get that girl out of there, stat.
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