This Week in Women: Serena Williams, Cyndi Lauper & more
Katie Nolan 
So many bitches this week. We’ve got a tennis pro channeling crazy hoe, a girl who just wants to have fun and not study the lyrics, a former meteorologist desperate to get back on the news at any cost, and a dude who gave us an up-close view of what sex change surgery looks like. This, gentlemen, is your week in women.
True Colors Bitch of the Week: Serena Williams
Everyone’s favorite media whore, who I think also plays tennis sometimes, was fined yet again this week for verbally abusing a line judge at the US Open after her winning point was taken away for tennis-moaning in celebration a little too early. Serena glared a bitch down, called her “unattractive inside,” and warned her to “look the other way” if she ever sees her walking down the hall, because “you’re out of control.” I can’t even describe the joy I feel when female public figures get so overwhelmed with emotion that they can’t even hide their inner bitchiness. Like, sure, Serena; you can hit up a press conference after a talk with your publicist and say you don’t even remember what you said because you get “so into the game,” but you and I both know it’s the same catty rant you spew out when some girl polishes off the bottle of Goose you threw down for at the club. You can play the classiest, whitest sport in the world til you’re blue in the face, but it’s clearly never going to rub off on you.
Lazy Bitch of the Week: Cyndi Lauper
I’m not sure whose bright idea it was to choose this washed up pop star to sing the national anthem at the US Open on 9/11, but they’ve hopefully lost their job. Lauper pranced out onto the court in a delightfully tacky Statue of Liberty dress and hooker boots and managed to forget the words to the most important song of the day in front of millions. There’s one thing I’ll never understand. There’s a whopping 81 words in the “Star Spangled Banner.” How hard can it possibly be to take an extra 15 minutes out of your busy day of playing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” on vinyl and weeping onto your Grammy to make sure you know them all by heart?
Then, after embarrassing herself, Lauper hit up Twitter and said she “got choked up in the middle remembering 9/11.” Remind me to use a national tragedy and my lack of a personal connection to it as an excuse the next time I fail to complete a simple task.
Bitch Who Cried Wolf of the Week: Heidi Jones
This former ABC weatherbitch has been sentenced to 350 hours of community service after police discovered her story about being raped in Central Park by a Hispanic man was completely fabricated. Jones confessed she made it all up “for attention” after cops questioned her on her inconsistencies. I’ve got an idea, Heidi. If you want attention, try brushing up on your meteorology and letting one of the biggest news audiences in the world know if it’s going to rain or not whilst wearing a low-cut top. It’s really not that hard. I mean it’s not like you’re some obscure citizen who wants to catapult into the media… you were the media. You just assumedly sucked at your job and got canned. Shocking, really, since you seem to be so good at predicting how things will turn out.
Wardrobe Malfunction Bitch of the Week: Coco
Ice T’s blow-up doll popped a tit out by accident at the Richie Rich fashion show Tuesday night. This bitch is part dude, right? She has to be part dude. If you’re reading an article about a nipple slip and have to stop to zoom in on the pictures to make sure it isn’t a drag queen, I’m pretty sure you’re dealing with a minor case of hide-the-sausage. At the very least she’s rocking a Chyna vagina with a bean the size of her Adam’s apple. Someone please confirm.
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