This Week in Women: Yahoo’s CEO, Rachel Uchitel & more
Katie Nolan 
This week we’ve got a woman racking up an epic phone bill, an unqualified CEO getting canned over the phone, a high school cheerleader who takes a hit better than she does a hint, and a selfish bitch finding the good in September 11th. This, gentlemen, is your week in women.
Unemployed Bitch of the Week: Carol Bartz
Carol here was the 63-year-old CEO of Yahoo! until she was fired (over the phone, mind you) for being absolutely terrible at all that that entails. I actually had no idea a female was running that ancient search engine, but it makes complete sense. A hot younger woman named Google comes out and dominates her market and she throws her hands up in the air and pours herself another glass of pinot.
The best part is that this bitch had a well-known lack of experience in both Internet and marketing. Which are probably the only two areas you should probably be an expert at if you’re going to try to run Yahoo!. We can obviously agree that this means she blew her way to the top, yes? Cuz I’m like a master of the Internet and have a shiny, useless degree in public relations and I still don’t see anyone tossing me a CEO gig without first having sex with my face.
Crazy Bitch of the Week: Dutch Stalker Woman
According to court reports, Dutch prosecutors are charging this 42-year-old broad with stalking after she called an alleged ex-boyfriend 65 THOUSAND TIMES in the last year. 65 thousand. Which works out to 178 times a day, or once every eight minutes. She claims they had a relationship, and therefore the number of calls wasn’t excessive. Bitch, you could be suffering from some strange medical condition that requires you to call this guy every time you have to pee and it would still be excessive. What’s your end game here? Like what would you even do if he picked up the phone on call 65,001? “Uh, Just wanted to say hi!” I’m honestly having a hard time imagining you with a job if you’ve got the time to devote to such an endeavor. And then also because you’re batshit crazy.
Sidelined Bitch of the Week: Lanisha Cole
This bitch is a high school cheerleader in South Carolina who got taken down on the sidelines this week after a pass went wide. The hit itself doesn’t look all that bad, but the real beauty is in what happens immediately after. She’s lying on the ground in the fetal position with her squad rushing to her aid, and the receiver walks over, picks up the ball, and runs back out on to the field. It’s perfect.
In the interview, when asked if she knows the kid, the tone of her “yes” is so poetically telling of the fact that these two have had at least one awkward sexual encounter. Well, Lanisha, maybe if you paid a little more attention to the game you’re there to support things would’ve worked out better. Both for your head and the fatherless baby you’ll be dropping in the trashcan behind the gym.
Foot-in-Mouth Bitch of the Week: Rachel Uchitel
Everyone’s favorite Tiger-Woods-Mistress word vomited all over Page 6 this week when she said that her husband dying in 9/11 was his destiny, and she’s “almost happy” it ended the way it did. As you’d expect, she’s now blaming the paper for taking the quotes out of context to paint her in a negative light, but I’d love to know what possible other context exists that could make being grateful your husband died in a national tragedy less offensive. She claimed he was “too good” and she’d rather he kick the bucket than stick around for her transformation to a fat suburban housewife. How very noble of you. Plus, with him around, you probably couldn’t have tossed a saddle on Tiger’s dick and ridden it to fame. So thank god those men in Iraq or Afghanistan or, you know, wherever they were from took some planes and flew them into a few buildings. For the sake of your quality of life.
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