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8 types of cleavage you’ll find throughout your life

8 types of cleavage you’ll find throughout your life

  • 8 types of cleavage you’ll find throughout your life

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    As men, we pay attention to cleavage consciously, unconsciously and everything in between. We wish it didn't capture our attention the way it does, and yet we are bound to it by a waking hypnosis. But like the uniqueness of snowflakes, no two sets of cleavage are alike and we may react in different ways to them. Here's a very high-brow look at some of the different types of cleavage to watch and watch out for. Apologies in advance. -Jason Epstein

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  • 8 Frightening

    Make no mistake, this is the kind of cleavage that will beat you down and take your milk money if you look at it the wrong way. In fact, if you look at it in any way it'll burn your retinas like you're staring into the sun. Be respectful, avert your eyes and walk away.

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  • 7 Perky

    Oh, hello to you too! This cleavage is literally trying to leap out of its confines in an effort to experience freedom, while simultaneously taking yours by causing you to lose the ability to speak, move or breath. Let it happen, brother. Let it happen.

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  • 6 Elderly

    Elderly boobs don't necessarily have to belong to the elderly. These are just boobs that are aging at a faster rate than the rest of her. Another term for these? Grandma boobs. *Shudder* I hate that term.

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  • 5 Mysterious

    ANYTHING could be going on in there, absolutely ANYTHING. These girls could be floppy, hangey, bumpy, lumpy or any other amount of rejected Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs' names. It's the mystery that's killing us and we'd like to unravel it like Sherlock Holmes and discover it like Indiana Jones.

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  • 4 Dull

    No ma'am, they're just not talking to us. We know they're boobs and by default we like them, but there's no personality here. Maybe they just need to come out of their shell (okay, bra) to develop a little character.

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  • 3 Hippie

    Also known as bra-less wonders, these leave nothing to the imagination. So it's a good thing we're visual at heart and don't care about things like our "imaginations."

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  • 2 Long Distance

    There's so much distance that it's almost not even cleavage. These girls have never met, and that's sad. In fact, they're not even looking at each other. Maybe you should offer to help the sisters unite, like a good Samaritan.

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  • 1 Presidential

    This is professionally dressed cleavage. It is strong and proud, believes in gender equality and peace on earth. We respect and salute you with a tear in our eye and an image burned into our brain.

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