Ummm…pass.

The Fleshlight is a popular tool for a man’s solo ventures into the world of sexuality. It also looks like Thomas the Tank Engine. But this Halloween, the Fleshlight company has made a little extra tweak to its product. One that’s a bit perturbing.

Introducing Succu Dry Sex in a Can from Fleshlight, the world’s first vampire inspired sex toy for men. Take a walk on the dark side and get familiar with this pale brew. But be careful! Though this may feel like love at first bite, make sure you have wood poised to penetrate before you get completely drained!

I get that finding vampires sexy is all the rage right now (mostly for women, but still). I can even concede that there’s a certain appeal to engaging in relations with something edgy and possibly bad for your health (see: My trip to Haiti). But wanting to put one’s member into something with fangs seems like a bad idea. Vampires feed themselves on blood. And then you’re, theoretically, saying “Hey, let me put a very important body part that’s filled with blood into the place they eat the blood with.” Where’s the logic there? That’s why if I ever hook up with a vampire, we’re strictly going backdoor. And as a bonus, since they’re already dead, my aforementioned trip to Haiti can go blissfully unannounced.

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