7 ways to lose weight like a man
Jason Epstein
Exercise is time consuming, calorie counting is mentally taxing and most people have no idea how to diet effectively. So what can you do? I’ve compiled a list of extremely unorthodox ways to lose weight.
7 Puking
Fact: What goes in must come out. But if it comes UP instead, then you won’t absorb all the calories you just consumed.
Why you should totally dabble: Bulimia involves eating awesome amounts of whatever the hell you want and then yorking it up with no added weight to show for your gluttony. THEN YOU DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN. We’re sold! Turduckens, deep fried sticks of butter and Lean Pockets (stuffed with Hot Pockets) here we come!
6 Nuding
Fact: Eating with your shirt off has the effect of making you very conscious of your own body.
Why you should totally dabble: If you happen to see your own muffin top spilling over your jeans you are more likely NOT to eat the giant muffin top you deemed a passable healthy breakfast just a few clothed moments ago. Double the weight saving capabilities if you do this completely nude and triple it if you do it at a public eatery.
5 Coking
Fact: Many hard drugs will take your mind off eating. Cocaine, which is extracted from coca leaves, is an excellent hunger-suppressant.
Why you should totally dabble: With all the NOT eating you’d be doing and the agony you’ll go through wondering where your next fix will come from, you’re sure to skinny up right quick like a malnourished third world circus freak.
4 Amputating
Fact: Body integrity identity disorder makes the afflicted feel as if their life would be better as an amputee and that they would, ironically, feel more “whole” and “complete.” Of course, those of us WITHOUT the disorder know that amputating a limb is just a good way to shed some pounds.
Why you should totally dabble: Amputating body parts is for the serious weight loss obsession. If you are focused on the numbers that come up on the scale rather than how you look naked, then this is your best bet. Oh, and whatever you do, don’t do a Google image search for the word “amputation”.
3 Criming
Fact: Since when do you see a fat dude snatch a purse and then huff and puff three steps before settling down on the nearest park bench waiting to get arrested? Or a burglar who can’t slip lithely into the night completely unseen? No, criminals that commit the type of crimes I’m talking about are fit for a reason.
Why you should totally dabble: It’s debatable whether “criming” is, in fact, a word or not. What isn’t debatable is that committing a crime — and I must be clear to the vindictive neo-criminal hackers and spyware crooks, AN OLD FASHIONED CRIME — is that it burns off those pounds in a most wondrous way. You may as well steal that iPad or vandalize that building in Under Armor and Nikes, because this is for serious runners. And if you’re chased by the cops or a Good Samaritan that’s bonus points!
2 Crying
Fact: Crying works out a lot of the same muscles as laughing; namely the abdominals. The strengthening and building of any muscle helps to boost metabolism, burning off extra fat.
Why you should totally dabble: Unless you’re watching an epic battle in Lord of the Rings or your favorite team loses by one point, crying tends to be wordlessly outlawed among men. But, with stylistic choices like “great big heaves of emotion” and “short hiccupy breathing,” crying has the potential to shed unwanted pounds as fast as you can say, “Shut up you big pussy,” to yourself in the mirror!
1 The Old Fashioned Way
Fact: Losing weight isn’t about dieting and sporadic trips to the gym to work out your glamour muscles, it’s about a healthful lifestyle upgrade that you stick with. So, make sure you allow enough time to sleep at night, do both cardio exercise and weight training, don’t be passive about dealing with stress and finally, control your portions. These are the cornerstones of a healthy body.
Why you should totally do it, for real: Nobody likes a cheater, so if you really don’t have it in you to lose weight by running from the cops or becoming bulimic, then consider the alternative: self control. While it isn’t necessarily fun, it does get the job done. Consider NOT dipping that 30th wing into the vat of blue cheese you keep at your side. Or, if you’re at the mall walk up the stairs instead of taking the escalator. Basically, if you see fat people doing one thing, just do whatever the opposite is.
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