9 Mother’s Day gift ideas only an a-hole would give to his mom
A bad Mother’s Day gift is something that no son should ever be responsible for. After all, this woman who birthed you, kept you from electrocuting yourself as an idiot child, and managed to raise you to be slightly better than a total Neanderthal. You owe her the best Mother’s Day gift possible. And contrary to your mom’s sweet declarations that it doesn’t matter what you get her for Mother’s Day, not all gifts are created equal. In fact, some of them are just plain awful. And to set you straight, and in order to make sure that you’re not responsible for your dear mother feeling tragically unloved on this, her special day, we just want to make especially sure that you don’t get her one of these, nine of the most terrible Mother’s Day gifts of them all.
9. Anything Having to Do With Cooking or Cleaning
Don’t be this a-hole. Just don’t. The last thing your mother needs is a reminder that you just see her as a glorified maid. “Gee, mom, thanks for raising me, now here’s a dust-mop. Get to work.” Believe it or not, your mom is actually a three-dimensional human being with interests beyond making sure her home looks squeaky clean and smells like flowers every time you visit. Give the poor lady a break. It’s one thing if she specifically asks for something because she loves to cook, it’s quite another to just hand her a sauce pan and tell her “Happy Mother’s Day, now make me dinner,” while you and your lazyass dad watch the game in the other room. Because guess what? That’s pretty much exactly what you’re telling her if you do this.
8. Anything Homemade
This one will probably be a little controversial since every mother out there will fiercely deny that they hate this. They’ll tell you all sorts of flowery crap about how they love that it’s “from the heart.” Well, you know what else is from the heart? Not being a total cheapskate when it comes to getting your mom something she can actually enjoy and use. Sure, she’ll say “Awww, I love it,” when she pulls out that picture frame you made with macaroni glued to it like you did when you were seven, but then she’ll just stuff it in a box with all your other crap that she keeps for sentimental reasons and that will be that. Also, avoid any homemade coupons for free hugs or one date with her special boy or anything like that because that stuff’s just creepy.
7. Cheap Flowers
Look, flowers are okay. They should usually be accompanied by something else, but if this is all your sketchy finances can handle, then okay. I get it. And so will she. But at least make sure they’re nice, okay? Get her a bouquet that at least makes it look like you put some effort into it. No mom wants to be handed a bouquet that you grabbed from the supermarket on your way over to the house that’s half dead and looks like it cost less than you paid in gas for the trip over. Plus, think about how depressing it will be for her to have to look at – and look after – these horrible flowers day after day, reminded over and over again that the symbol of your love is only a half-step up from some dried up old weeds.
6. Anything That Makes Her Feel Old
This covers a lot of ground, but I’m talking any gift that basically reminds her that you see her as just a lame old mom, like a cheesy coffee mug or a sweater with cats on it. No mom wants to end up depressed on Mother’s Day, wondering when she became the old cat lady who smells like mothballs and old ham. This means you also shouldn’t get her anything that sounds like it came from an infomercial aimed a Florida retirement community. No matter what actually ails her, she doesn’t want to be reminded on that day of all days that she needs special creams to keep her knees from creaking. It will just make her sad, and you don’t want that, do you?
5. Something That’s Actually For You
Everyone knows someone who does this. Yeah, your mom might love her grandkids, but that doesn’t mean that you need to get her something she’ll never use just so you and your brats can be entertained whenever you’re forced to grace her with your company. Here’s an example: Netflix. Now it’s one thing if your mom loves to watch TV, movies, etc., but if your mom is barely computer literate and you know that she’ll never use it except when she’s watching your kids for you, then maybe you should rethink this one. Don’t get her anything that just reminds her that to you, she’s little more than a free babysitter. You’re better than that.
4. Beauty Products
Again, it’s different if this is something she specifically asks for, or if it’s something extra fancy that you know she’d never buy herself, but don’t just get her a bunch of anti-wrinkle creams or anything like that. That’s just a douchebag move. Even worse is getting her something lame like 25% off a facelift or Botox treatment. Just avoid anything that basically says “Hey, mom, you’re looking especially old and gross lately. You might wanna tighten your game up.” It’s not just a dick move, it’s also kind of creepy.
3. Workout Equipment/Gym Membership
See everything I just wrote under “beauty products” and multiply by roughly one billion. This is just mean.
2. Weight Loss Books
And to complete our trilogy of “make your mom feel like a horrible sack of shit” gift ideas, we have the worst of the worst: weight loss books. At least with beauty products or a gym membership, you can kinda sorta maintain the illusion that you’re getting her something that she wants, but if you get her weight loss books, you’re basically telling her “Hey, ma, you’re fat,” and that’s about it. Life is hard enough without your own kids making you feel inadequate.
1. Nothing at All
No matter how lousy your gift is, it’s still better than getting your mom nothing at all. And whatever you do, please don’t be that self-righteous jerk who thinks he’s above it all and doesn’t need to “prove” his love to his mom by “engaging in consumerist lies” or any nonsense like that. Think what you want, believe what you want, but if you do this, you’re just a jerk. It’s as simple as that. Not everything is a philosophical battlefield, and if you feel the need to make Mother’s Day of all days just another frontline in that never-ending war of smugness, then the only thing you’re “proving” is that you love your ideals more than you do your own mother. Congratulations, you jackass.