Trending Turds: The week’s worst Twitter topics

K. Thor Jensen Contributing Writer, Entertainment

fail whale Trending Turds: The week’s worst Twitter topics

If you want to feel bad about humanity, one look at Twitter’s trending topics will do it. Here’s the worst of what trended this week.

Trending topics on Twitter are a lens into the dark heart of the world’s subconscious, as social media users flock, lemming-like to do what they see others doing. Sometimes they’re cool, but most of the time they really stink. Here are three from the last week that really made me fear for the future.

#DescribeObamaInThreeWords

Well you know this is going to be good. President Obama has a polarizing influence on Twitter, because when you give Tea Partiers and other racists just 140 characters to express their feelings, they can’t use any awesome code words. Cut that down even farther to just three words and all kinds of positive thoughts come out.

Christ, people. It’s possible to disagree with his politics (drone murdering sucks!) without being, I dunno, totally insane.

#UnusualNamesForWhiteGirls

Well, finally, a trending topic that’s not just a way to be racist towards Black people. Yeah, let’s give these silly honkies a gentle ribbing.

Oh. So apparently “Unusual Names For White Girls” actually means “Black Girls Have Unusual Names.” I didn’t get the memo. Literally over seven hundred different people made this same “joke,” proving exactly how debased a subculture Twitter truly is.

#BigDickProblems

And if there’s one thing that Twitter loves more than racism, it’s bragging about penis size. Originally #BigDickProblems started as a response to #BigBoobProblems, a hashtag that women used to complain about the very real unpleasantness that comes with having massive hooters. Dudes, however, just used it to talk about how much toilet water they feel with their glans.

OK, that last one’s just gross. Go to the bathroom! Don’t poop your pants just because you have a big wiener!

Special Bonus: Twitter Turd Of The Week

Every once in a while, I’m going to focus on one particular Twitter user who really screwed the pooch over the last week. Let’s start off with geotie2323, aka George Tierney of Greenville, South Carolina. Ol’ curious George came to the attention of the blogosphere with this super-classy tweet about Sandra Fluke. Remember her? The Georgetown University student who kicked off a debate about birth control a few months back, then faded into the background. Well, George remembers, and he’s still pissed.

tierney 1 Trending Turds: The week’s worst Twitter topics

tierney 2 Trending Turds: The week’s worst Twitter topics

Nice. I guess once Rush Limbaugh has called you a “slut,” it’s fair game, right? Naturally, people noticed George’s outpouring of profanity and started mocking him on the Internet and then things got crazy. He exploded in a geyser of sexist, racist vitriol in a very public arena.

tierney 3 Trending Turds: The week’s worst Twitter topics

As of press time, Tierney has finally deleted his Twitter account and crawled back into whatever hole full of snakes he was spawned from. Before he left, he did give a single interview to a website where he expanded on his unique worldview. It’s worth a read.

Did you see any terrifyingly dumb topics on Twitter this week? Post them in the comments and I’ll find the worst of the worst.

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