14 essential items for any cross country trip

I’ve driven across the United States several times in my life. Even with all the comforts of modern technology, it has never been a pleasant experience. Hours upon hours on desolate roads and bad radio stations; the road really does go on forever when making the trek from the beaches of the West Coast to the mountains of the East Coast.

Flat tires. Broken Heater. Busted taillight. Dead Battery. Cigarette that briefly lit my passenger seat on fire. I’ve had my fair share of idiotic automotive adventures. I’ve found that there are certain things that are good to have when (and especially) traveling cross country by yourself. Most are obvious, but some of my reasoning is probably very different than yours. You see, I have very bad luck. Like, Larry David bad luck. So I am always careful about packing for a long car trip. These things come in handy in ways you might not have thought about before. It’s basically a list for people who travel like morons. People like me.

1 Wet Naps

First thing I like to do when getting ready to go on a extended road trip is to adjust the seat to a
comfortable position, adjust my mirrors to allow maximum field of vision and then I promptly spill coffee all over my lap. Always happens to me. Usually within the first half-hour of the trip and depending on the car, a spill of any kind may end up becoming an unsettling stickiness. Nobody wants to spend 5 hours in a hot car while their legs and butt keep re-sticking to the seat. This is where napkins fail. You need Wet Naps.

2 Spare cash

It’s always a good idea to keep an extra couple of bucks in your glove compartment. Anyone that has done a lot of traveling can tell you that the mid-west and south-west parts of the United States have a lot of long stretches of highway that carve through hundreds of miles of nothingness. There is a town in Arizona called Nothing. They have a tiny gas station there with no ATM, but plenty of antique rocks you can purchase. It still takes 20 minutes for them to run a credit card there. They have to call it in. It’s hard to believe, but there are still a lot places out there that only take cash. And remember, most bribes are cash only. Plan accordingly.

3 Jumper cables

Hey, I forgot to turn off my interior lights when I came out to get a shirt last night and now my car won’t start. Yeah, I’m a moron and I need a jump. Since the power of positive thinking isn’t enough to get your car moving, unless you’re Ed Begley Jr., you’d probably need these.

4 Radar Detector

You don’t want to stress about getting speeding tickets driving on roads you’re not familiar with. You inevitably will at some point (Texas) and you’re not sure that the cops won’t toss your butt in jail for exceeding the speed limit by 40 mph (again, Texas). The thing pays for itself. Without one you’re just asking for problems.

5 Power Converter that plugs into your cigarette lighter

People will tell you to have an extra phone battery, but with a good portion of the population having iPhones (no interchangeable battery) and things like GPS systems that can need external power supplies, a power inverter is infinitely better. This way you can keep your phone completely charged at all times or make sure the GPS doesn’t power down while you’re in East St. Louis. And you can plug in the computer and send out some email at the rest stop. Or maybe even hook your Jack Lalanne Juicer in and make smoothies for you and your new sketchy drifter friend. You juice while he cuts everything with his rusty machete. Road smoothies, FTW!

6 Spare tire

It sounds dumb, but you’d be surprised at how many people sometimes take their spare tire out on along trip in order to make more room for luggage. Some will tell you that you’d be alright as long as you carry a few cans of Fix-A-Flat, but if you have any sort of severe tire damage, you’re going to be much safer riding on a spare. And if time is of the essence and you aren’t able to stop at a repair shop, a spare could end up being a lifesaver. Obviously you don’t want to drive for an extended period on it, but it could end up saving you hours or even days on your trip. So stop taking it out of your trunk! You’ve seen Roadhouse! Act like it.

7 Bear mace

They’re out there. Waiting. If you decide to bring a picnic basket, you’re really just asking for it. The parable of Yogi Bear exists for a reason, kids.

8 Small folding shovel

You may have to dig yourself out of mud. You may have to dig your way out of snow. You may have to build a sweet ramp to jump over a stack of hay bales in Kansas or fight-off a zombie uprising in Tucson. Also, that evidence isn’t going to bury itself, Kemo Sabe. So many reasons for a shovel. So many worst-case scenario type situations…

9 Phone charger

Don’t forget it. Ever seen the angry and impatient guy at Wal-Mart mumbling to himself about wasting $25 on a phone charger every time he leaves the house. That’s the guy who forgot his charger on a trip. Don’t be that guy. It’ll completely kill your mood.

10 Rope

Obviously if worse comes to worse and you’re pressed for space you can tie some of your belongings to your roof. It’s not the safest way to travel, but maybe you find a novelty foam cowboy hat in San Antonio and you realize you can’t live without it, but the car you are traveling in is filled to the brim with almost everything you own. You just tie some stuff to the roof and you’ve got room for Burt Reynolds giant foam hat hilarity. My roommate was pissed, but it was totally worth it. And you never know when you’re going to need to take a hostage or make your annoying cousin ride on the roof for a little while. I always keep rope in my car.

11 Lighter or Matches

Again, one of those things that you probably already have in your car, but can really come in hand if you get stranded in the middle of nowhere. Don’t be one of those people who forget that they took out the cigarette lighter in their car to plug in a phone charger. And don’t forget to bring a car cigarette lighter when renting a car. Actually my point is that a pack of matches is the easiest way to go.

12 Flashlight

Kind of a no-brainer. Usually good to have a small one on your keys and maybe a larger one in the trunk. With all the crap guys keep in their pockets these days, it seems like something is always falling out of my pocket and between the seats. Often it’s my phone. Sometimes it’s as innocuous as a cigarette I dropped. Other times it’s more serious because the cigarette I just dropped was lit and I smell burning upholstery! Plus when the cop comes up and shines his flashlight in your face and asks for your license and registration– you can shine you flashlight right back at him and ask, “Have YOU been drinking tonight, sir?

13 Blanket

Driving for long periods of time is going to hurt your back, so I usually end up sitting on mine. You thought I was going to go all “Alive” on you, but you’re probably not going to get stuck driving on the Andes Mountain Range. Use it as a towel, back support, a cape you can wear to give you the confidence to go inside a scary Kansas City Amoco…bring one and keep it close.You never know when you may need to go all Batman on someone’s shit.

14 iPod or MP3 player

Have you ever driven through Texas? There are two stations: The Hispanic Christian Muzak station that has been playing on loop since 1936 and a classic country station that in the dark, dead hours of the early morning, is quite frankly the most depressing musical choice in the history of time. It literally makes you want to jerk the wheel into a ditch. And radio towers are as great as we all think. A lot of states with only a few options on the radio dial. You don’t want Hank Williams, Sr. bellowing from your Ford Focus as your breeze through Amarillo at 4 am. That will depress you. Make sure you have music you like. It’ll save your sanity.

--- Did you like this article? And you probably like contests, exclusive content, and smug commentary right? Then why aren't you liking Guyism on Facebook? Show some pride and click the "Like" button below right now: