22 items that will allow you to entirely Bacon up your day

Let’s face it. Some people around the internet and around the world have gone completely bacon crazy. Every time I think the bacon craze is over, a new product comes out with a bacon infusion. Bacon innovation is currently in a Golden Age and shows little signs of stopping. You could literally spend every hour of the rest of your life covered in or consuming bacon products. If you wanted to really get serious about your love of bacon — from the minute you wake to the minute you drift off to sleep — this is what a typical day could look like with 22 different bacon creations.

1 You slam your hand down on the snooze button on your bacon clock

That’s right, you have a bacon clock. And you don’t have to worry about burning your foot on a Foreman Grill like Michael did in that episode of “The Office.” As soon as the alarm beeps, you are eating bacon. But there will be more. Much, much more.

2 You get up and jump in the shower with your bacon soap

It’s not enough that you just enjoy consuming and wearing bacon. You need to pick up the essence of bacon. You need to smell like bacon. Everyone loves the smell of bacon cooking. By default, everyone will love you. Mmmm, you smell like the inside of a Denney’s. And who doesn’t want to hang out with someone that smells of a Grand Slam Breakfast?

3 You jump out and put on your bacon suit

You need to look good at work today, but you still want to show everyone your love of bacon. So you throw on your bacon suit. You look good enough to be sizzling on a cast iron skillet, or good enough to be running a Fortune-500 company. You know what that company makes? Hopefully bacon, but probably something else more along the lines of computer software.

4 …And your bacon shoes

It can sometimes be difficult to find shoes that match the strips on your suits. Not this time around. You got a pair of kicks that are a as sleek and stylish as your sizzling brown suit. The whole ensemble makes you look and feel crisp. It looks like someone just slid you right off the griddle and into upper-middle management. You may not be able to play basketball in them, but you’re always the most delicious looking visitor at the zoo.

5 Pour your coffee In this bacon coffee mug

You need coffee, but you also want bacon. But you already fixed that problem. Until Foldger’s Crystals are gradually phased out and bacon bits are gradually phased in– this is how you get your jolt in the mornings. You’re a bacaffinated businessman who’s ready to take on the day.

6 You ride to work on a pig

You ride your pig to work cursing the man who hasn’t invented the bacon car. You could have bought a motorcycle and called it a hog, but you’re old fashioned and felt that joke was too easy. And this way you have time to catch up on all that reading you’ve missed while you’ve been cooking and consuming massive quantities of bacon. You can’t ride a Harley and read a book at the same time; that would be a health risk…

7 Sir Francis Bacon

You decide to do a little reading on the ride to work. This Bacon is dead wrong when he says “No universal rules can be made, as both situations and men’s characters differ.” You disagree; “Everybody loves bacon.” At least everyone who has had the chance to try it.

7 You take pictures of models in bacon bikinis

You get to work. It’s time to get down and dirty with some fatback. You want to share your profound love of bacon with the world. The world and these gorgeous bacon covered models. The beauty of bacon mixed with the beauty of women; you couldn’t find a finer canvas for such a delicate medium. Bacon and art are together now and forever in your photographs. It’s edible art and it’s superb.

8 Pour yourself a bacon flavored Coke

You’re parched and let’s be honest–you’ve probably already eaten your bacon mug from this morning. Why not get your Jack Lalanne on and have a Diet Coke with Bacon? Not on a diet or can‘t find Bacon Coke? Just crumble up that bacon you’ve been keeping your pocket and dump it in a can of Diet Coke. Twice the calories, but twice the taste. You have to give a little to get a little.

9 Snack on a piece of chocolate covered bacon

You’re in the mood for bacon, but you’re also in the mood for something sweet. What if there was a way to combine the crunchy goodness of bacon with the sweet taste of rich melted chocolate? It’s not a bacon candy bar, but it’s still delicious. Bacon Diet Coke and chocolate covered bacon; who needs coffee when you’ve got this combo?

10 You get back on your pig and ride home and finish reading your Bacon book

In a Utopian society, everyone would be able to enjoy bacon regardless of financial status and religious beliefs. Bacon is delicious and should be shared by all. There. The important issues have now been taken care of. Next topic.

11 Pour a bacon martini

You’ve had a stressful day and you need to unwind. Why not combine the taste of Jimmy Dean with the sophistication of James Bond and pour yourself a martini made with bacon flavored vodka? It has all the flavor of morning nestled in the warm embrace of a nightcap. If they could just find a way to make a Hot-Pocket with bacon vodka…life would be complete.

12 Enjoy your hobby by going to the range to shoot your bacon AK-47

You gotta let off some steam somehow. Why not pull the trigger on flavor and go Scarface on everyone with you Bacon AK-47? Everyone needs a hobby to help them release stress. This is my rifle, this is my gun. This is for fighting and this one’s part of a balanced breakfast.

13 Bacon for dinner

You’re probably getting pretty hungry. You sit down to an entire dinner made from bacon or things wrapped in bacon. It’s so good that you don’t even unbuckle your belt a notch; you immediately get the defibrillators out. You might literally be one Wendy’s Baconator away from heaven right now…maybe we shouldn’t push it, OK?

14 Bacon ice cream for dessert

That’s right, but it’s not quite a Ben and Jerry’s flavor, yet. Although they do hold the copyrights to “Oink Berry Bacon,” “Hogen-daz” and “Truffle Shuffle.” You can actually find this at certain ice cream shops if you ask around. Crispy and delectable bacon milkshakes for the win. Milkshakes for breakfast for the double win.

15 You could go out and get that bacon tattoo you’ve wanted

You don’t have any plans for tonight. What should you do? Get some pink ink on your arm, maybe? Show all those snotty people over at Bacon Aficionado that you are worthy of next month’s cover. You flexing your arm with your bacon AK-47 and sporting the new bacon tattoo. They could call it, “Two Strips at the Gun Show.”

16 Bacon popcorn

No. Someone with good sense talks you out of the tattoo and into watching a movie. Gotta have popcorn. Old Orville Redenbacher thought of everything but this tasty concoction. He must have been too busy funneling money into making sure more of your corn popped to bacon infuse his product. Gotta figure this would make a fortune at movie theaters too. Don’t you hope that bacon popcorn is coming to a theater near you?

17 Footloose with Kevin Bacon

No rock music? No dancing? Stifling the creativity and youthful rebelliousness of Kevin Bacon? This town is a bacon ban away from being the worst place of all-time. And you thought the film Red Dawn had deep Communistic undertones. You could have watched that, but it didn’t have Kevin Bacon in it– that was C. Thomas Howell. Although with the six degrees game, who’s to say Kevin Bacon isn’t a part of all our movie watching experiences?

18 Bacon bra and bacon panties

You’re getting bored. You’re noticing that your lady is looking awfully nice in that bacon bra you got for her. Finally, a bra for a woman’s body with a man’s tastes in mind. She’s looking delicious. She loves bacon and she has the underwear to prove it. It’s time to ditch Footloose and get to the bedroom.

19 Bacon flavored condom

“Makin’ bacon” and “porking” are just a few of the things you could do with these bacon flavored prophylactics. I guess you could also use them to make balloons, too? But how did people make sweet, sweet love before there were bacon flavored condoms? Some mysteries in life, we’ll just never know the answer to.

20 You roll up a bacon flavored cigarette

You roll up an old fashioned cigarette with your bacon flavored rolling papers and light up. Let’s be honest, you’re probably not too concerned about lung disease on account of your bacon consumption. A smokey richness of mellow, habit forming baconrettes. Your heart screams no, but your taste buds scream yes. Welcome to Flavor Country.

21 Pray to your bacon God

Whomever it may be, you know that some higher power put bacon on this earth and for that you are thankful. You also thank that benevolent being for helping you find another person who loves bacon as much as you do. She wears a bacon bra…how many other women would do that? You also give thanks for Jimmy Dean, the person who developed the Bacon Mayonnaise and your cardiologist, Dr. Herbert Speilman.

22 Get under your bacon blanket and sleep

You’ve had a day in which you were never once without bacon. A fantastic day that you hope will soon be filled with bacon laden dreams; full of bacon castles and bacon ponies…unless they come back. You hate having those mysterious nightmares, where you’re being chased by–RUN! THE HOGZILLAS ARE BACK!

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