7 boring stores that your girlfriend will drag you into
Shawn Norris
Look I’m just average 20-something guy with a short attention span and terrible shopping habits. I hate shopping. If I go to the mall, I have a good reason to. That’s not always the case if you have a girlfriend. Chances are you’ve been in one or all of these stores with your lady.
7 Bed Bath and Beyond
Beyond what? Beyond fun? Beyond what I want to be doing on a Sunday afternoon? Now I have to sit and think about universe’s infinite possibilities while I shop for towels. Cause I’m beyond bored in this store. I really find shopping for linens, sheets, towels, duvets, pots, pans, and shower curtains to be very tedious and time consuming. I don’t f’ing care what color the towels in the bathroom are or how many throw pillows the couch has on it. I find that “Oh, that’s soft, I like those sheets. We should get those.” works much better than arguing over Egyptian cotton and thread counts. What will I be doing tomorrow? “Maybe Bed, Bath, and Beyond, I don’t know. I don’t know if we’ll have enough time.” Let’s hope not.
6 Hallmark
Some women put a lot of time and effort into picking out cards for their friends and relatives. I’m fairly aloof, so this ordeal baffles me. I once got my dad a Father’s Day card that read “Congratulations on your Bar Mitzvah. Mazel tov.” Close enough, and we’re not even Jewish. My point is that I will often take a bit of time to look for the right card, but dammit I’m not going to five different stores that sell greeting cards to hunt for just the right one. Like a point guard that plays for Kentucky, I’m one and done. I’m not spending two hours to find the right card. Pretty much going with whatever card has a dressed-up monkey on the cover always works for me. Monkeys dressed in golf apparel are killing the greeting card game. This is not an accident. Go with it.
5 That store that plays the crappy music
Sometimes stores you walk into will have really weird music selections playing. Obviously it’s some sort of ploy that they feel will make you want to buy things. But every mall has a store that decides to play music that just makes you want to hurt people. I won’t name any names, but I hate that store. “Yeah, this is an underground band from Belize that plays new wave dance trip hop blues. They’re like new, new. They’re so new that they’re not even a band. I, like, heard that they just all walked into a studio and started playing and that’s how they recorded this album.” Yeah, that sounds about right. Maybe I’m the only one, but sometimes the music in those stores just makes me want to walk up to someone and punch them in the mouth. It’s probably gonna be the guy wearing the fedora.
4 Pottery Barn
90% of Pottery Barn consists of wicker and glass. That means there is a 100% chance that I am probably going to break something when I visit the store. As much as I enjoy breaking stuff, I don’t enjoy paying for it. I’ve also never been involved in anything remotely enjoyable that had “pottery” in the title. Some guys may enjoy the store, but for me it’s hands in my pockets, nodding at silverware for an hour. “Look at those tiki torches (snap). I hate this store so much.”
3 Shoe store (any shoe store)
Oh man, you don’t want to be in a shoe store with a woman under any circumstances. I don’t care if the store is called “Lingerie, Booze and Shoes,” you probably should just steer clear. Most women just love searching for, trying on, and buying new shoes. To each her own, but I hate being in shoe stores looking for shoes to match a certain dress for a certain occasion. Anyone who has ever had to go shopping for shoes to match a bridesmaid dress has my sympathies. And actually saying the words, “I’ll help you pick out a pair of shoes” better be preceded by the words, “I’m sorry about the funeral, birthday, or affair.”
2 IKEA
I’ve lost six good friends to the IKEA store in Burbank. They went in one day with their significant other and never resurfaced. It’s like the retail equivalent of Vietnam, except young men are actually hoping to step on landmines when visiting this place. I’m not sure if they got kidnapped, or died, or just got lost in the furniture chasm that is IKEA. When I hear a woman say that she enjoys a piece of furniture at IKEA, I just hear, “Look what you get to put together. It’ll be so easy and we’ll have a new (fill in the blank).” You’d think with all the goofy sh-t they have in the store, they’d have a bar for people with an unnecessary hatred of shoddy furniture. It’s the least they could do for making me trek the entire 12 miles of store in my flip flops.
1 The lotion shops
I can’t even go in these places anymore. They are Migraine Central Station for me. If I wanted to smell that many things at once, I’d set a tire on fire in my living room with peach moonshine and dump my neighbor’s entire flowerbed on it to keep it burning. I love the Cucumber Berry Blast facial cleanser and body wash makes you use, honey. It’s the other 5600 fragrances in the store that I can’t handle. I’m feeling lightheaded–quick somebody get the “smelling salt” scented moisturizer! Too late, better take me to the Cinnabon to walk it off.
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