7 current TV shows that need the Harlem Globetrotters
Shawn Norris
Let’s be honest. When you look around at the landscape of television, you realize (especially reality TV) has really just become gimmicks and advertisements. Well, if that’s they way it is going to go down, then I want them to bring back the greatest gimmick in television history. No, not Donald Trump‘s horrific toupe–I’m talking about the Harlem Globetrotters. The best mixture of sports and entertainment that the world has ever been privy to. They dribble like Pete Maravich, they dance like Sammy Davis and they win like, well, they win like only they can.
With that in mind, there are a few TV shows that I feel could use a little spicing up this season. A few that could use a little bit of the Globetrotter magic, like Gilligan’s Island did.
Grey’s Anatomy
Spleen on a string, your day has finally arrived! Look, I don’t watch this show. Ever. I know Katherine Heigl is super hot, but if I wanted to watch a show about stressed out doctors who had melancholy dispositions and love-lives that only revolved around their work, I’d simply change the channel from ABC to any other channel on my television. And now that Heigl has said she is leaving the show for the much greener pastures of romantic comedies (look out Sandra Bullock); the time has come for a show about eccentric basketball players who give their lives to the pursuit of making your open heart surgery as entertaining and as enjoyable as possible. Oh man, there is nothing more comforting than watching someone get “pantsed” in the operating room as the doctor tests his bone saw and the atheistic slowly takes the patient to sleepytime station. ABC needs to get on the red, white, and blue ball!
Ben: Well Jack, we’re in the 70’s now. And we’re trapped on a deserted island. I’m sure everyone is tired of all this gunplay and time travel nonsense. Plus, we have a box on the island that can make anyone appear…
Jack: (breathes heavily per usual) What does that mean, Ben?
(Cue: Sweet Georgia Brown)
Come on, wouldn’t this be the greatest plot twist in TV history. Nobody would see it coming. Jack and Sawyer have to play a Harlem Globetrotters team coached by John Locke. They have a box on the island that according to Benjamin Linus that “Can make anyone appear.” So, why not make the Globetrotters appear? They played on Gilligan’s Island TWICE! You’re telling me they aren’t going to play on the Lost island a single time? Bush league, JJ Abrams!
Spoiler alert: The Smoke Monster turns out to be former Globetrotter Wilt Chamberlain! Sure, he’s deceased, but there are dead people walking all over the place! It’s like “Thriller” on that damn island. But we won’t know that until he comes out and throws a bucket of confetti on Sayid during a timeout. Or sleeps with all the women on the island.
Look bringing unforgettable comedy and hilarity for over 20 years is a difficult task; we can all agree that The Simpsons needs a shot in the arm. We know the show loves to be gimmicky when there have been episodes about breaking Guinness World Records and Rock and Roll Fantasy Camp. So why not bring in the “Trotters” and bring the show full circle? Writers could have Homer perform a shot where he slam dunks a basketball while he roller blades over a shark tank at mid-court (some of you will claim they jumped the shark long ago) which leads to an accidentally electrocution of Globetrotter great, Curly Neal.
Homer wins MVP and Curly Neal gives him the championship trophy; leading to this exchange:
Globetrotter: Homer, even though you let a shark lose in a coliseum full of people and almost electrocuted Curly Neal…we still award you with the MVP trophy.
Curly: My HAIR! It’s gone! It’s been fried!
Homer: “MMMM, Curly Fries…”
In the real world people have jobs. In the real world basketball teams don’t win 98% of the games they play in. so this seems like a match made in heaven. Here is a real team of faux basketball players playing against a team of faux celebrities. Hell remember rock and jock b-ball jam? Bring back the 20 point basket. Bring back the B-Ball Jam, too!
It’s gotta be better than watching wannabe celebrities drink themselves blind and argue all the time. Actually when I think about it, maybe a Real World vs The Ultimate Fighter tie-in would be much more enjoyable programming. Yeah, I think I’d like to see most of those people get punched in the face at least once (and by “most” I mean “all”). Oh man, we finally found a logical use for Rampage Jackson’s craziness.
Oops, this shouldn’t be on here. Nothing can save this show.
Whoopi Goldberg coached the Knicks for God‘s sakes! Well, she played the coach of the Knicks in a role for an awful movie. Still, that has to count for something. Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s husband is a professional athlete (albeit not a very good one), so you know she’s got to have some sort of athletic talents other than carrying the entire conservative agenda on her back all day. I think the thing that is going to hurt them most is that Star Jones isn’t still on the show to box out and clean the glass in the lane.
Ok, who am I kidding here? I just want to see Barbara Walters dunk a basketball…
“Honey–I’ve said this 100 times: I’m not interested in the cheerleaders and their…skimpy…skimpy outfits.
I’m watching because I LOVE basketball. I’m watching because the Harlem Globetrotters remind me of my childhood. Days when I didn’t have to worry about a mortgage payment or a job…
Wait. What was I saying? These guys are the only true players left. It’s not about money and agents. This isn’t a business to these guys. They genuinely love the game. Oh, and it was time when basketball was joyful and fun and bouncy…
They don’t play for a paycheck; smiles and the joy they give the fans are their currency. It’s about fun. Look at the red, white and blue balls they have…
What?!? No! I am watching this because I want to support the Harlem Globetrotters! If we don’t support them, they’ll lose funding and an entire generation of children will miss out on the charm and excitement that they bring as they travel around the globe. It’s about support! Enough spandex to support a Mack Truck..
Sweet Georgia Boobs…
BROWN! I said, “Sweet Georgia BROWN!”
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