7 infomercial products that will make your life worse

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d start taking some time on the weekends to share some classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

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There’s nothing like watching infomercials at 3 a.m on a Saturday morning. Sure, you start out watching the infomercial as a total joke. But before you know it, you’re on the phone ordering a year’s supply of Oxyclean and pouring it out for Billy Mays. You weren’t sure if you needed 16 gallons of stain remover but if you waited any longer you wouldn’t qualify for the hotel-style bathrobe the company was throwing in for free. While the majority of infomercial products will make your life easier (can you believe you ever sliced eggs by hand?!?), there are a few that raise some serious concerns.

7 The Dreamie
Despite what this infomercial will have you believe, there is nothing complicated about using a blanket. The Dreamie markets itself as the cousin to the Snuggie. While we’re unable to confirm the validity of that bold statement, we can stay without a doubt that owning either product will guarantee that you will never have (legal) sex again.

6 Bacon Genie
All it takes is a quick stroll through WalMart to see that Americans suffer from obesity. So it seems slightly irresponsible to sell a product that makes cooking pure fat easier and faster. It should come as no surprise to anyone that the Heart Attack Association of America fully supports this product. Purchasing a Bacon Genie is the equivalent of buying yourself an at-home-Lard-IV-drip that goes directly into your arteries: Delicious, but somewhat short-sighted.

5 Barking Dog Clock
Well, the fact that this product exists proves not only that dogs are now making online purchases, but they’re also getting upper-level management positions on product development panels. Who, besides a dog, would want to hear barking every hour, on the hour? Bringing this clock into your house is a passive-aggressive way to ask everyone else to move out. Or watch “Old Yeller” on a loop.

4 Lighted Ear Wax Finder
If you’re looking so far into your ear that you need a flashlight, you must be a doctor… or a danger to yourself. Save your money and your hearing by investing in a box of Q-Tips. Nothing good ever comes from poking battery-operated devices into strange orifices.

3 The Butt Face Towel
The continued existence of the Bill Engvall show proves that there is a viable marketplace out there for products such as the Butt Face Towel. However the fact that you can read this sentence shows that you are not in their target demographic. Do not buy this product as a novelty gift or as a “it’s so stupid, it’s funny gift.” Giving the makers of the Butt Face Towel your business only encourages the Palin 2012 election team that there is hope for them.

2 Button Extenders
If your clothes are fitting so badly that you need to buy a button-on-a-rubber-band to keep them closed, there’s a bigger problem in your life. Try turning the TV off, hitting the gym, and throwing away the Bacon Genie. Perhaps you could even buy new pants. If you buy this, it’s a slippery slope that starts with button extenders and ends with elastic-waistband slacks and dirty looks from Southwest Airlines employees.

1 Knee Warmers
There’s a good chance that if your knees are cold, then the rest of your legs are too. And thankfully there’s already a solution to that problem. They’re called pants. They’re sold at stores across the country and can now be worn by women, as well as men. And if after putting on pants, your knees and only your knees are still cold, then your probably better off consulting with a doctor, rather than covering the problem with a cut-off pair of panty hose.

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