7 items that tell people you’re a douche

We’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but humans aren’t perfect and it’s only natural for us to judge based on first impressions. Certain items are definitely going to make people think twice about you and could even elicit some stares, eye rolls or chuckles behind your back. Is that fair? Nope. You could be a really nice person, but there’s also the possibility that you’re a total jerk and that judgment was spot on. Give people the benefit of the doubt though and steer clear from these seven items that could put you in a less than favorable light.

7 Sunglasses Inside at Night
Larry David said that if you wear sunglasses inside, you’re either blind or an asshole. Looking at you, Kanye and Bono. Nothing tells people that you’re probably a vain prick when you walk into a room more than wearing sunglasses inside at a dark bar or club. Unless you just were, plan to be, or are currently in the “SUN” or a brightly lit area, leave the shades off.

Wearing sunglasses at night gives the impression that you’re probably trying to hide a nasty case of pink eye or simply don’t care enough to make eye contact when talking to people. So, if it’s dark out and you’re still wearing the shades, you better be swinging a cane or being escorted by a dog.

6 Hummer
You know who should be driving Hummers? Not the guy at the mall blasting Hinder and taking up two parking spaces while stocking up on hair gel. Hummers are military vehicles, and the tricked out civilian versions that pollute the streets are the perfect way to let everyone know you’re a douchebag on the go. Driving around in one of these behemoths that guzzles gas like a freshman drinking beer at a frat party signals to other drivers that you really don’t give a rat’s ass about the environment in anyway whatsoever.

Maybe you’re overcompensating for something else in your life that doesn’t measure up, I don’t know… But unless, you’re in the military or plan on starting a special-ops task force with your golf buddies, forget the Hummer.

5 Leather Pants
Are you a rock star? Are you in an outlaw biker gang? If you answered “NO” to both of these questions then chances are if you try to pull off wearing leather pants you will be mocked by those around you — including small children. And just because you’re in a garage band that can play Crazy Train that doesn’t qualify you for rock star status. Think more along the lines of selling out Madison Square Garden and having a pyro guy in your crew.

“But what if I own a Harley and take the occasional weekend trip to Vermont with Tom from Dental School, leather pants are cool then, right?” Sorry, unless you’re on the most wanted list in at least a few states and have a couple teeth missing from bar brawls leather pants/chaps are a bad idea.

4 Dog Stroller
I actually sort of appreciate people who use these, it let’s everyone know to avoid you at all costs necessary. In fact, you probably shouldn’t even own a dog.

3 Bluetooth
“Hey guy, you must be doing pretty well for yourself, cuz I see you got the bluetooth headset… bet you’re making all kinds of big important deals, huh?” Nobody is thinking this about people who wear bluetooth headsets. Chances are they’re wishing you would take that miniature silver phallus out of your ear and order your extra value meal, already.

Look, we know you’re a busy person and have crap to take care of, but pick up the phone and hold it to your ear like a normal person. Because unless you’re also doubling as a secret agent or protecting the President, it just says, “I’m a jerk who likes technology.”

2 Winter Hats in the Summer
When it’s 98 degrees out and your nads are sticking to your leg like a baby chimp clinging to its mother, it’s probably time to put the winter clothing in storage. Yes, I know you want to be cool and stand out, hipster dude, but wearing a wool cap in the middle of July just makes people wonder if all that heat hasn’t warped your brain. There are lots of other “cool” and unique hats out there that won’t bring on heatstroke and make your friends question your judgment. Sure, it may seem like a good idea at the time, but when you pass out at the July Fourth picnic people are going to be standing around asking who wants to revive the jerk in the fur trapper hat.

1 Tricked Out Clunker
There is nothing wrong with wanting your ride to look awesome and turn heads as you drive by, but if those are heads are turning and people are blurting out, “what the %$#&”, it’s probably not a good thing. Don’t put a spoiler on a 1994 Dodge Neon that still has only a coat of primer on it. When your stereo system cost 3x more than your car and the passenger side door doesn’t open from the outside, it’s that’s not a good thing. Work with what you got, but keep it in reason until you have the cash to really put it towards a sweet ride.

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