7 recipes you won’t believe are from famous chefs
Brendan Hurt
Let’s face it, most guys don’t really cook that much. Sure we use the microwave or can grill a mean something-or-other, but when it comes to full-scale culinary productions most of us can’t be bothered with creative restraints like measuring, or stirring things constantly. Unfortunately, the football holiday season is a time when even people who are known not to cook are called on to supply some part of a large meal. That’s where the Food Network comes in; it is home to some fantastic shows like Iron Chef and Alton Brown’s Good Eats which, in addition to being a great cooking show, might be one of the most informative shows on television in general. However, a look around the Food Network’s Web site suggests that while there’s bound to be a disparity between the food on the show and the smoldering crud you’ll pull out of the oven, some of the Network’s chefs might actually believe some people are just too stupid to cook. Some of these recipes are outright insulting or dangerous to your health, leaving you to wonder what kind of criteria the Food Network uses in choosing it’s chefs.
7 Robin Miller’s Quick-Fix Avocado Salad
This salad requires a recipe in the same way that “French fries with ketchup” requires a recipe. Now granted this is supposed to be a “quick fix” dish, but do you really need a recipe for something you’ve probably created before by accident after a few Coronas at Taco Tuesday?6 Paula Deen’s English Peas
First, when one of only two ingredients called for in a recipe is essentially a can of what you’re trying to make, you can probably do without the written instructions. Second, any vegetable cooked solely in pure butter is only adding to America’s problems.5 Robin Miller’s Carrot-Ginger Salad
This garnish-masquerading-as-a-side-dish doesn’t seem so much like a recipe as it does recourse for being out of food and not wanting to leave the house. We’re also wondering what you’re supposed to do with the other minute and 50 seconds after you’ve finished assembling this.4 Paula Deen’s Donut Bread Pudding
Now as a rule, anything Paula Deen makes is guaranteed to have health-obliterating qualities, however, it takes a special type of insane to bite into a Krispy Kreme donut and think, “If only this were sweeter it would make a great substitute for bread!” This recipe calls for two dozen Krispy Kreme donuts, which would have been acceptable for a dessert if the recipe didn’t then call for you to top them with a stick of butter and an entire box of sugar.
3 Sandra Lee’s Bacon Wrapped Cheesy Corn
Here we have a simple vegetable side dish made with only four ingredients. The main ingredient is obviously the vegetable, the other three serve to strip the main ingredient of any possible health benefit and insure that the consumer is physically worse off than if they had just skipped eating their veggies all together.2 Rachael Ray’s Late Night Bacon
As ridiculous as two-ingredient recipes are, this one ingredient recipe takes the cake based on that it doesn’t even qualify as recipe. To be clear these are instructions on how to cook bacon, a skill not only detailed on every package of bacon ever sold, but one that ranks somewhere between “NASCAR” and “being American” on the list of things Americans do best.
1 Paula Deen’s Cheesy Ham and Banana Casserole
If that name alone doesn’t make you throw up just a little bit perhaps you aren’t aware that the usage of bananas in cooking is relegated entirely to breakfast, dessert, or just “eating a banana”. This dish seems meant to be served as dinner, presumably as some sort of culinary Final Solution to a family or group of friends you no longer love. The only possible silver lining of serving this to people is that shortly after explaining what you’ve made for everyone, you’ll quietly be pulled aside and asked to be permanent “chips ‘n’ dip guy” for all future gatherings.
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