7 types of online daters you should definitely avoid
Jenni Maier
Unless you’re watching the public access channel nonstop, you may have noticed that every other commercial on TV is for some kind of online dating service. It doesn’t matter if you’re straight or gay or a biracial alien, there’s some kind of dating service out there for you! While I’m sure there are tons of perfectly normal people putting their profiles online, I’m also 100% positive that there are a lot of creeps, convicted felons, and conservatives also posting as normal people on these websites. Don’t get your heart broken… or stolen by an organ thief by avoiding these 7 people.
1. The Murderer
Everything about this profile is just too good to be true. Drop-dead gorgeous profile picture, inspirational about me section, 3-time winner of the e-harmony dater of the year award. If it’s too good to be true it is. If someone was that amazing, they wouldn’t have to be looking for dates nationwide. Delete this person from your potential list before they take you out for an amazing date and then use you to film their own Hostel sequel.
2. The Real Housewife of Match.com
This profile gem looks like something straight out of TLC’s plastic surgery nightmares special. Despite being born before World War, 2 she doesn’t have a single wrinkle on her face and her skin is pulled so tight that her eyebrows are now located right above her ears. Sure she might be nice to look at for a few seconds, but stare too long and all her support hose will fall down at the same that her staples and stitches fall out.
3. The Hunchback of New York City
Her profile’s full of hilarious jokes and every single one of her interest matches yours exactly. But something’s not quite right. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but you’re pretty sure it has something to do with the fact she’s wearing a bag over her head in her profile picture. The last straw should be when she asks for tips on the best ways to shave off a mustache.
4. The cheater
Her profile picture consists of her in a wedding dress next to a man who has been cut from the picture. Sounds suspicious right? Well keep looking because you’ll see that she’s only interested in a weekend fling and insists on meeting in sleazy highway motels. Avoid getting involved in a Lifetime movie of the week affair by telling her you’re only looking for marriage, children, and commitment. The three scariest words you can say to someone looking for a scandalous affair.
5. NBC Dateline
No one loves pedophiles more than Dateline. They’re constantly on the lookout for child predators that they can feature on their extra special evening news reports. Don’t trust anyone with a username that includes “gurl” “baby” or “xoxo.” And as always, be extra cautions if you’re using the minors4u.com dating service.
6. A Child
Kids are craftier than ever these days. When they’re done figuring out how to download porn in the 5th grade, they move on to messing with people on dating websites by posing as adults. Drop them immediately if they say their ideal first date is at a Jonas Brothers concert.
7. The Serial Dater
She’s on the hunt for a serious relationship and can’t leave anything up to chance. So she’s signed up for every single dating service out there — including manonman.com and MTV’s Date my Mom. You’ll be able to catch her right away due to the fact that she refers to everyone by screennames, “excuse waiterman45, can we get some water for bobM4u7 and myself?”
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