7 ways to blow off the girl you’re dating

There are countless ways to blow girls off, many ridiculous: “I’m undergoing a sex change,” “I have herpes,” “I like it when girls dress up like twelve year old boys.” If you don’t want to mistakenly lure in the wrong chick or ruin your reputation in town, you may want to think logical. Cover your bases. These seven tips can help you ditch the stage five clingers.

7 You have an exam in the morning
Man, you are tired from studying all day. You have an exam in the morning that you need to ace. This could go either way. You could impress us, leading us to believe perhaps you’re in law school. Maybe even med school. There’s also the chance we’ll think you’re a twenty-nine year old undergrad. Relationship avoided regardless. We’ll either respect the fact that you need to focus your energy on finding a cure for cancer and saving the lives of sweet innocent children or we’ll think you’re a loser.

6 Always call from someone else’s phone
We won’t have your number, therefore won’t be able to text you six times a day before you have the chance to respond. You get your booty call without the post annoyance.

Don’t have a friend’s phone around to call? Use a pay phone, we’ll love that you spend twenty-five cents on us.

5 Declare In a Relationship with ‘Jane Doe’ on Facebook
Have a fictitious female Facebook account in your back pocket for those of you not fortunate enough to have a cool chick friend. A few clicks of the mouse and voila, we’ll call our therapist immediately after seeing it on our Blackberry.

4 Tell her you’re moving three states away
Plain and simple, you don’t want to take this any further because it’ll hurt more than it already does knowing you won’t be able to see her everyday. We’ll eat it up and fall over you for the rest of the day as long as you promise to call us if you’re ever in town again. This even saves you a possible future booty call at her place. Hat and glasses are key for the first few weeks.

3 You’re gay
You were watching the Giants game last night and just can’t get Eli’s round bottom off your mind. You’ll get a freebie from this after we try to ‘straighten you out.’ Shrug and mutter a simple ‘sorry’ after the fact. We’ll look in your eyes sympathetically, kiss you on the forehead and leave without a fuss.

2 Insult our best friend
If you want to feel like a douche bag for the rest of the night, knowing you made a girl do the ol’ five finger spray, lay it on our unfortunate looking best friend. Bring your best Porky and take out your aggression. She’ll walk away after speaking her mind. Be on the look out for swinging fists.

1 Disappear
This move has acquired an abundance of nicknames after being in play for so many years (i.e. The Vanishing Man, The Fade Away, The Tuck and Roll). Sadly enough, it’ll make us fall in love with you and mourn your untimely death, which we assume is the only reason you could disappear without any explanation.

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