7 ways to break up using social media sites

Breaking-up is hard to do. Well, that used to be true. Back in the days before computers, people used to communicate face to face the majority of the time. But nowadays we don’t need a face to interact with. With a clear Internet connection and a new social media site popping-up almost daily, there’s no need to leave the comfort of your home or office in order to end a meaningful personal relationship. Is it impersonal and highly insulting? Maybe, depending what side of the fence you’re on, but what’s the difference between breaking the bad news while looking someone in the eyes and tweeting the demise of said relationship to your followers and all of Twitsylvania? The answer is probably different for every person you ask. Some see it as a sign of an extremely immature person. Others see it as being too much of a coward to actually face up to your problems. And a portion of people will tell you that this is the quickest and most uncomplicated way to do do your business.

Here are a few social media platforms and what it may look like if you ever have to break-up with someone over the internet.

1 Facebook
Hey, how come I’m getting all these messages from my buddies trying to console me? Nothing bad has happened to me. What’s that message entitled “How did you manage to screw this up, you idiot!?!” Check my relationship status. Wait, did my girlfriend just break-up with me on Facebook? In front of all my friends! And every person in my extended family that is computer literate. And a few of my fellow co-workers that I kinda know outside of work but would never call in real life. And that guy I met on the plane to Toronto. She didn’t even have the decency to text me; she just dumped me in front of God and all the world on Facebook!?! In front of everyone! And now people are “liking” her status. Her mom! I always new she hated me, but show some restraint, Mrs. Stewart. Everyone I know and you know can read this. This — this is just the worst way to get dumped.

2 MySpace
You open your MySpace account and you status is now “single.” How did you not know this? When was the last time you signed onto MySpace? It’s been like, I dunno, it’s been probably six months since I’ve been on here. Oh man, you could have been broken-up for six months? No, that’s impossible. Just because she didn’t return your calls for a month doesn’t mean you’ve been separated since the last time you signed on. Wait, maybe she hasn’t signed into her account in the past six months either. Maybe that’s why we’re not listed as “in a relationship.” I deserve a better answer than finding out like this; she can take my heart, but not my dignity. I’m calling her to figure this out…(voicemail). Oh, that’s right, she won’t answer my ca…well, there goes my dignity and this stupid MySpace account.

3 Twitter
Really? I couldn’t get a phone call or even a Facebook message telling me that you want to break-up? Everything you wanted to say; everything we’ve been through– that time at the carnival when we first kissed, or that time when we got lost on the way to the beach? What about that time your cat ate too much Meow-mix and went into a diabetic coma and I had to perform feline CPR on the way to the vet? Damn it, I saved Christmas and Mr. Bojangles that day! All those experiences and all those emotions… and somehow you only need 140 characters to say how you really feel? And only two emoticons, Kate! That’s just being cold-hearted. I’m all for brevity in these situations, but this is bush league. How am I supposed to mend a heart in 140 characters or less? I guess I’ll probably start by getting some quotes about love and starting a broken heart #hashtag… Today, you are the Fail Whale.

4 Skype
You met her in a chat room for people “who know the difference between ‘your’ and you’re’” in December. You’ve been video Skyping her ever since. She was you’re heart. You live so far away, but with a Web cam broadcasting you straight into her room every night, she always seemed so much closer. But last night she seemed sad. You could tell by the look on her face that it was the end. It’s not exactly face to face, but she can still see you as she rips your heart out. You remember she recently mentioned something about being on Chatroulette. How could you be so stupid? How could you be so blind? There are only two types of people on Chatroulette, and oh, you should be glad your computer has virus protection. She could have been Web camming with hundreds of guys! Whatever you do, don’t let her see you cry. Too late…

5 Email
Alright. I’m just going to send a follow-up email to Ted in accounting about that petty cash issue we had on the trip to Toronto. Oh here’s another internet protocol email from that moron vice-president. “To all employees: Please don’t use your work email for personal use.” Done. Hey, adulterous slimebag, please don’t use your work secretary for personal use. What an ass. Why’s that email entitled “It’s just not working out,” but it’s from Michelle. She could just text me. Wait, is this a “Dear John” email? “This was too hard for me to say in person, so I wrote what I couldn’t say in this email.” Wait, we could have just talked about this at dinner last night? We could have talked through these problems we’ve been having and worked things out. A clear line of communication is the only way for a relationship to work and I get an email that says you’re already gone?! This is why a movie like Casablanca will never get made again.

6 YouTube
Hey, I got a link from my lady titled “What I think about us.” Hey, let’s check this out. Oh, it’s got adult content, I need to sign in. Shouldn’t really do this at work, but it seems important. It’s just a video with Whitney Houston singing I Will Always Love You. That’s sweet, whoa, that’s a pretty recent performance of that. Wow, is that even Whitney? Those years with Bobby Brown were not kind to her appearance or to her voice. Her voice used to be beautiful, but now it’s all screechy and hard to listen to. She is waaay off-key and just a shell of her former self. And there is your face, and it’s now telling me that, in fact, Whitney Houston is a perfect metaphor for our relationship. And now here is Whitney’s old version of Didn’t We Almost Have It All playing over pictures of us with broken hearts Photoshopped into all the pictures. Oh, man you yelling and breaking-up with me in front of hundreds of Whitney Houston fans was harsh. I need to watch something funny to take my mind off this video. I’m going to type in “pony” and see what comes up. “Pony falling off a moonbounce.” You break my heart, but then make it all OK, YouTube.

7 iTunes Playlist
Steve Jobs. He should just invent something that can judge my partners current musical tastes and let me know, based on that small sample of songs, whether or not he/she is happy with the relationships. What am I talking about? Steve Jobs probably knew this was going to happen six months ago. Sneaky douche. So we have a talk last night and I wake up to a iTunes playlist of “My Break-up Mix: Vol. 3: It’s Officially Over For Real This Time.” Tracks are Hit the Road Jack, Fleetwood Mac, Go Your Own Way, I Will Survive. Then we have Brian McKnight? Really? There’s the break-up staple of Everybody Hurts and a haggard, old country song that you should really know, but you don’t because you don’t really listen to country. This is just thoroughly depressing. God, how many songs did Sarah McLachlan write? Man, she doesn’t even have anything from Jock Jams 8 on this list. Hey,that’s in her car. That’ll be awkward, so I may as well buy another copy while I’m on here. I seriously can’t get to work in the morning unless I’ve heard C+C Music Factory. Damn you, Steve Jobs. Your business model is emotionally brilliant.

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