7 ways to make everyone think you’re pretentious

Studies have shown irrefutable evidence that some people are born believing they’re better than others. They grow up in gated communities named things like Anglosaxon, go to colleges where the library has the same name as them, and easily get jobs at J.P Goldman Bear Stearns. These people grow up to what scientists call, “assholes.” Despite being unlikeable and unpleasant, these “assholes” tend to go far in life. But just because you didn’t grow up with a movie theater in your home doesn’t mean you can’t go far in life. Follow these 7 tips to looking pretentious and you’ll have people calling you condescending in no time.

1. Wear fake glasses

A big key to being pretentious is the ability to constantly be looking down at people. Now unless you’re 6’7 this can be a continual challenge. Try purchasing a pair of fake glasses that you can move to the tip of your nose whenever someone says something disagreeable. Taking them off and cleaning them on your shirt is also a great way to show people you’re utterly bored by what they’re saying.

2. Buy classic literature

Make sure to always have a copy of of Chaucer or the Odyssey on hand. Whip it out whenever you have a spare minute and there are other people around. Make sure to clarify to anyone watching you’re just rereading it because you loved all the nuances in the plot when you read it at your boarding school — in 2nd grade.

3. Abstain from social media

Under no circumstance engage in Facebook and Twitter. Remember you’re so beyond trivial things like updating your profile or letting the general public see what you look like. Make sure to practice your scoff so you can let out a really good one whenever someone brings Facebook, Twitter, or god forbid Myspace up.

4. Talk about your schooling

It doesn’t matter if you want to a state school or community college. As long as you refer to it as the Harvard of South Carolina, people will be fooled into thinking you’re smarter than them. And don’t stop at the college references, my kindergarten was considered the Yale of the district should be a commonly used phrase in your vocabulary.

5. Add a number to your name

This is the easiest way to sound like you grew up at a country club. Pick between third and fourth (second sounds too new money and fifth sounds unbelievable) and just attach it the end of your last name. Suddenly everyone will assume that your family came over on the Mayflower and you have a butler waiting at home named Jeeves.

6. Don’t own a TV

Keep in mind that you can’t stand popular culture and middle-class entertainment. It’s just so mainstream and way too accessible to poor people. When you think of entertainment, you think of the opera and art galleries and private gentlemen clubs where everything is kept very discrete and names are never exchanged.

7. Only eat organic

Only poor people eat fruit sprayed with pesticides and food ordered in a drive-thru. Not only should you shop in gourmet, organic, overpriced grocery stores, but you should also let everyone know. There’s not point in spending $72 for organic chicken cutlets if you can’t make your co-workers feel like monsters for picking up a Taco Bell lunch special.

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