7 ways to make small talk awkward
Jenni Maier
They say you only get to make a good first impression once — but they also go on to say that you can make bad impressions several times over. Stop having those boring, repetitive conversations about the same topics (work, family, age you lost your virginity, blah, blah) with interchangeable people. Keep uninteresting people away from you by doing any of the following during your conversation.
1. Bring up your health
Nothing says ‘stay away me’ quite like a contagious skin disorder or a visible STD. Make sure fellow guests avoid you at all costs by mentioning it loudly each time you grab a bunch of appetizers or shake someone’s hand. Really go all out by coming with a bunch of bandaids on your and removing them as the night goes on. For some reason people don’t like seeing bloody bandaids next to finger food.
2. Talk about current events
Bring the mood down instantly by sharing the most depressing news you’ve heard lately. A story about a single foster father losing his job is a good start but make sure to follow it up with something strong like “ten thousand infants eaten by a hungry pitbull” Don’t worry about being factual or quoting real sources, instead focus on making all the guests feel horrible that they’re complaining about trivial things like the shrimp cocktail not having quite enough bite.
3. Reference your ex
There’s absolutely no reason not to drag strangers into your drama. It’s important that you completely corner your victim before starting to rant loudly about your *#%@$ ex-girlfriend who broke your $%$# heart. Make sure that the person agrees with you after everything you say and follows up up every statement with “yeah she sure sounds like a huge &%^#. End the conversation by asking for that person’s number and telling her you have a lot in common and think you would really hit it off.
4. Fidgeting
Move around as much as humanely possible — and then some more. If everyone else around you is sitting, stand-up. Everyone else standing, than plop yourself down indian style on the floor. Try extra hard to develop some kind of tic that involves you touching others “involuntarily.” Extra points if you can convince people that you can’t help yourself from punching other people or slapping their butts. Pull the old ADD card.
5. Offer Drugs
Whip out a baggie in the middle of the room and start whispering costs to everyone in the vicinity. When people refuse you and start to step away, slip it into their pockets and tell them its a gift for providing such great conversation. Remember no take-backs. If someone tries to give the drugs back, yell loudly that they’re dealing drugs in the middle of a staff holiday party.
6. Ask about Salaries
Don’t get too far into a conversation before inquiring how much someone makes. And don’t let them give you one of those ballpark estimates. Get exact figures so you can adequately compare them to yourself and let them know how you think they’re doing.
7. Be inappropriate
Each sentence that comes out of your mouth should be dripping with sexual innuendo to the point that there’s no way the person’s reading too much into it. Something like “hey Deb, the ornaments on that tree are bigger than your boobs” or “Have another drink and I’ll show you my penis.” It wouldn’t be a memorable get together if you weren’t arrested at the end of the night for sexual harassment.
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