7 ways to pick up a girl at a funeral
Caitlin Colford
Love happens in the strangest most unpredictable places. Everyone wants consolation when they’re in mourning. A dark concept, sure, but you never know when or where you’ll find your next woman, you have to be prepared for anything.
7 Cry
While some girls might think you’re a total wimp, the majority will think it’s hot that you are secure enough with your manhood to let your “real” emotions through. Hey, it worked for Will Ferrell in Wedding Crashers.
6 Claim to be her boyfriend
When crazy Aunt Sue is grilling her on when she’s getting married swoop in like the knight in shining armor you are and save the day. Take her arm and introducing yourself as her new beau, and kiss Aunt Sue’s wrinkly right hand. Apologize to her after if she felt you were too forward. You just thought Aunt Sue was the last thing she would need after this upsetting day.
5 Offer her a tissue
Console her, be her Prince Charming. Stop at a drug store to pick up a Kleenex pocket pack beforehand and we’ll be impressed that you were prepared as you tell us how beautiful we are when we cry. There is nothing darker than a funeral and nothing brighter than your dazzling smile and refreshing compliments.
4 Help the elderly
Scope out the scene upon arrival. Who is having the most difficult time walking around? Old people are plentiful but you need the sweetest and most frail lady for this gig. Upon spotting, help her up to the casket to say her goodbyes to the deceased. On the way back perhaps introduce her to your new gal, the old lady will talk you up as a ‘fine young man.’
3 Give her your flower
In more ways than one. When the roses are distributed to the attendees at the cemetery, keep yours until she’s walking back from the casket with tears in her eyes. Hand her your flower and give her a warm embrace.
2 Drive her back from the cemetery
Get her to skip out on the family ride, seeing that she couldn’t bear to sit in the tearful limousine. Surprise her by stopping by the drive-through and buying her a Happy Meal for comfort. Just make sure to find out if she’s a vegetarian first.
1 Give a toast
Clink your glass and get up to make an impromptu speech at the family gathering afterward. Your confidence and kind heart will impress your new lady. You’ll feel a little choked up as you tell a funny tale about yourself and the deceased, and warm her heart by making extended eye contact with her upon noticing the fresh tears in her eyes.
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