7 ways to spot a former frat boy

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d take some time on the weekends to share a few classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

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Despite chugging away 90% of their college experience, the majority of fraternity members do graduate from college, obtain employment, and live among us in the real world. They blend in so well with the rest of society that it can be almost impossible at times to spot them. Luckily, social scientists have done extensive research and found seven telltale signs to spotting a former frat boy. You can finally know for sure which married, straight men in your office have willingly done the elephant walk.

7 Freaks out When Hearing the Word “Paddle”
Have you ever been in the middle of talking about a canoe paddle only to realize that your boss had involuntarily fallen to his knees and started begging for mercy? If you answered yes, you’re dealing with a former frat boy who learned all about brotherhood by being beaten with a paddle. Of course all the times with his paddle weren’t awful — when he wasn’t being beaten with it, brothers were figuring out which of his body orifices it could fit up.

6 Treats Women Poorly
If you have a friend who sleeps with women and then makes them go home at 3 A.M because he doesn’t want those sluts thinking he wants a girlfriend, your friend was in a frat. In college it was all the rage to sleep with a girl and never contact her again –unless of course mandated by the city health department. Odds are this friend also refuses to wear condoms and thinks it’s totally normal to have a few paternity cases pending at any given time.

5 Hazes Inferiors
Is it tradition for your co-worker to make all the interns chug boiling hot coffee and then kneel on the floor for 6 hours? While it’s hard to believe that that your co-worker isn’t trying to harm them permanently, it’s true. After spending an entire semester pledging (doing unthinkable illegal activities that he blocked out so he doesn’t have to think about how dirty he felt having sex with a corpse), he doesn’t know any other way to communicate with inferiors.

4 Wears Costume to Every Event
Do you work with someone who brought along a legitimate secretary ho to the last board meeting, only to justify it by saying “I thought it was a CEO’S and office ho’s party.” He’s not trying to be funny — or even sexy. He just can’t comprehend how a large group of people can congregate without throwing on a costume and doing keg stands until they pass out. Just remember to shield your eyes at the annual golf fundraiser when he shows up under the impression that it is a “tennis pros and golf ho’s” party.

3 Knows the Entire Greek Alphabet
Is it frustrating that your neighbor is unable to figure out how to unlock his door with his key, but is capable of reciting the entire Greek alphabet. Don’t be angry with him. He is naturally stupid, but he is also a former frat boy who was forced to memorize the entire Greek Alphabet while sorority girls squirted syrup all over his naked body. Unsurprisingly he also has a fetish for any pornography involving a variety of condiments and foreign language.

2 Gets Upset When Fraternities Are Criticized
Do you have a friend who flips a shit when someone says something anti-Greeklife? Whether it’s commentary about a fraternity that killed a pledge or about bad weather on a recent trip to the Greek isles, it’s only natural for a former frat boy to defend Greek life completely. After all it was the pledge’s fault for not being a good swimmer after he was forced to drink 6 liters of grain alcohol and swim laps at 4 A.M.

1 Shows up to Charity Events Wasted
Have you even found yourself at a loss for words when your newest employee showed up to a company charity event completely trashed? Don’t be upset with him. During his frat years, the word charity was synonymous with “Girls Wrestling Naked: Proceeds Go to Our Philanthropy Which Helps Kids or Cures Cancer or Makes Homeless People Smell Better or Something.”

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