8 signs you’re about to get broken up with

Let’s face it, sometimes men aren’t that great at reading the signs that their relationship is in trouble. We have a tendency to run a bit on the oblivious side when there are glaring holes in our relationships. Sometimes it’s our better-half ignoring us for not giving them enough attention or subtle hints that we are screwing something up; men will periodically miss some very clear-cut signals that our relationship is on the rocks. However, if you start to get any of the following signals, it may already be too late.

1 When you ask what she wants to do this weekend, she says, “Let’s play it by ear.”

A major sign that she no longer wants to hang out with you. Her favorite band of all-time comes to town and you buy tickets and she suddenly doesn’t want to go. You ask if she wants to eat at her favorite restaurant this weekend and she says she is going out for drinks with the girls. You say you just won the lottery, bought an island in the South Pacific and want her to pack up and move there with you. She says she has to get her hair done. She isn’t giving you the time of day. When even the best case scenario looks bleak…you’re relationship is all but done.

2 She blatantly hits on people in front of you

You take her out to a fancy dinner; she flirts with the waiter by telling him he has the most beautiful eyes she’s ever seen. When the busboy comes by she accidentally pinches his butt. As you’re leaving the restaurant she gives the waiter her number and tells him you‘re “just some guy” and he should call her soon. Then, as your waiting for them to pull your car around, she starts making out with the valet attendant (clearly aroused by the smells of gasoline and minimum wage). She is no longer interested in dating you. She obviously wants to be with anyone else. You are off the officially off her radar.

3 When you ask her what she wants for her birthday she tell you it’s too far away to know

Her birthday is coming up and you ask her what she’d like as a gift. She tells you it’s way to far away to be thinking about gifts. You remind her that it’s next Wednesday. She cryptically remarks that it’s still too far away. This means that your days together are very numbered. Well what does she want? Best case scenario: She says, “A night out by herself.“ Worst case scenario: She says, “A new boyfriend.”

4 When you talk about getting engaged she just laughs

Most girls that get serious with a guy absolutely love when men broach the subject of marriage and planning a wedding. But, when you bring it up, she starts laughing and can’t look at you with a straight face for the rest of the night. Or she says, “Even the Hope Diamond on a bar of platinum would be a misnomer if you got on one knee and proposed.” People that have future together have no problem talking about a future together. If you bring it up and she laughs– her future plans will probably no longer include you. The jewelry store wins again.

5 She throws around the phrase “I’d totally do that guy” in front of you

When you’re watching a George Clooney movie and she says it, you totally understand. With enough drinks and the right circumstances maybe even you’d do George Clooney. But then she says the same thing when she walks by your doorman. Then she says it about a guy standing at the bus stop. And then she says it again when walking past a homeless man at the subway station. You are the last person in the world she wants to see naked. Face it dude, she isn’t as promiscuous as Lindsay Lohan; she just wants to be with anyone but you.

6 She says any other girl would break-up with you because of your bad habits

She really starts nagging you about your bad habits. I mean, way more than usual. This is a serious red flag no matter what your habit is. You smoke and she makes that annoying coughing sound even though your on the porch and the glass door is closed. When you kiss her she says you taste like an ashtray that rolled around in a dumpster. When you light up outside a bar, she says you better put that out before she puts out in your eye; then takes it and puts it out on your arm like some drunken fratboy party trick. She’s giving you an ultimatum, and herself an out. It’s only a matter of time before your habits are “Too much for her to handle.” Then it’s back to smoking for one for you.

7 When people joke that she could do better she starts uncontrollably crying

Crying is never a good sign in a relationship; especially when it starts to happen more and more frequently and specifically pertains to you. If people ask how your relationship is going and she starts hysterically crying like she just watched her cat Mittens get backed over by a steamroller — you are probably in trouble. Just the thought of you two together makes her wildly upset. You can’t seem to buy enough boxes of Kleenex to keep up with her crying. This does not bode well for your future. Nobody wants to spend the majority of their life in tears. Maybe it’s a good idea for you to hang onto one of those boxes of Kleenex for yourself…

8 She regularly visits the eHarmony website

You check your email and notice that the previous site visited was eHarmony. Who is Sven from Holland? Why is he sending flirty messages to your girlfriend with kissy face emoticons? Wait, wasn’t that mysterious bouquet of roses your girlfriend received last week sent by a guy named Sven? Why is there a on-way ticket to Holland charged to your VISA card? Is that a Dear John letter? Uh oh. Your MacBook has done you in! She went online and found somebody she feels is a better mate than you. She’s probably gone for good. Well, as long as you’re on eHarmony…

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