8 ways you’ll ruin a bachelor party
Shawn Norris
Bachelor parties are an essential part of male bonding. It’s a last chance for all of your buddies to tell you that you are making the single hugest mistake in the history of time. So it’s important that everybody be comfortable and have a good time. That goes double for the groom because it’s probably his last night of free-wheeling fun until the ink dries on the divorce papers (it’s not cynical–simply look at the numbers).
Fortunately, it’s easy to have a good time so long as you keep from making any of the following mistakes:
1 Leaving the soon-to-be groom behind
This is rule #1. It is his day, so the ball is always in his hands. He may need some prodding to partake in certain activities throughout the day, but ultimately everything you guys do is his call. So if he doesn’t want to go to the next bar–then nobody goes to the next bar without his permission. It’s just common decency. Getting married only happens on two or three occasions in lifetime. Weddings are the woman’s day. Bachelor parties are the man’s day. Try and remember that he’ll be the guy planning your bachelor party. You screw him over on his day and he has every right to do the same to you.
2Pass out at an inappropriate time or place
Guys usually get pretty drunk at bachelor parties. And by “pretty” I mean “fall down, pretend to hump inanimate objects, stupid” drunk. But if you’re gonna drink like an idiot, you had better be able to keep yourself out of trouble. Nobody wants to be in the middle of the bar and ask, “Where’s Todd?” Well, Todd had a few too many shots of Jameson and is currently passed out in the ball pit at a McDonald’s Playland. Bad form, Todd. If you can’t keep better control of yourself than that, you will surely get your comeuppance from Mayor McCheese.
3 Forgetting to reserve transportation
For the most part, everyone in your party will probably have at least a few drinks. It’s best to not chance having someone in the party be a designated driver. No one likes to chauffeur a group full of drunks around for an entire night when everyone is supposed to have a good time. So be sure to get the number for a cab or rent a limo for the night. That way you never have to stress about getting everyone from place to place or cleaning out Uncle Jimmy’s puke from the backseat of your Jetta.
4Throw it at a place that no one is interested in going to
A dive bar, a golf course, strip club, the Super Bowl, and Vegas are all places that most guys would enjoy spending a few hours drinking and laughing. Miniature golf, church meetings, anything having to do with Michael Bolton or a night at the opera are probably places that will bore your party right back to their hotel. Venue is everything during a bachelor party. It sets the tone for the night. So it’s important to find a place everyone will have a good time. If all else fails just take a vote and book wherever it is that most people (and the groom) want to go.
5 Don’t help pay for things
Bachelor parties are a right of passage for a lot of men. You are expected to pony up a little green for something that is basically a going away party for a buddy because, unfortunately he’s probably not going to be around all that much anymore once that ring hits his finger. So for one night he gets a free pass. Booze, drugs, lap dances, greens fees, bail money– these should all be taken care of by the other guys at the party. If you don’t have as much, then just figure a way to give what you can; but don’t try and partake in the festivities without throwing some cash in the pot. That’s just bush league.
6 Slip a roofie into the Jagermeister
Save that for the sorority mixer with Alpha Chi Omega, Daterape McFratboy. No reason to ruin a good time and someone else’s special night because you wanted to be “The Funny Guy” like Zach Galifanakis in The Hangover. The world will have to somehow survive without your special brand of “penises drawn on a passed out guy.”
7 Say something stupid to the bride’s father/brother
“Hey (insert grooms name here), remember that time in Tijuana and we met those twin double-jointed masseuse gymnast hookers? Then we went and bought all those Mexican Xanax and cheap tequila and went completely crazy. When we woke up the next day, you were missing a kidney and I was stark naked in a Tijuana jail cell? I can’t believe this guy has never heard that story! Next time we go down to you, you are coming. I’m serious. We know a lady down there that can suck an raw egg through a crazy straw without breaking it. You’re coming! Next time (points to eyes) you’re coming!”
Don’t be that guy.
8 Accidentally kill a stripper
Not cool, Guy! Does this actually happen? Not from my bachelor party experience. But if movies have taught us anything, it’s that you should always have a shovel in the trunk when attending a bachelor party. Better safe than sorry.
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