9 things guys would never do if women didn’t exist

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d take some time on the weekends to share a few classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

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Listen, ladies…we absolutely love that you’re around. But when it really comes down to it, there are a lot of things that we wouldn’t be caught dead doing if you weren’t. These are just a few things from an endless list that guys would never do if women didn’t exist. Yes, we’re fully aware of all of the scientific and actual things that wouldn’t be possible if women didn’t exist, so try to sit back and just have fun with this one.

9 Purchase/Own a Rug
No guy ever looks at the coffee table in his living room and thinks how much more beautiful the room will look if there was a rug underneath it. Rugs are almost as sure a sign of a female inhabitant as the pink fluffy toilet seat cover and scented candles in the bathroom. In fact, the only guy that ever actually found a use for a rug was Aladdin. And even so…he just ended up using the thing to impress a chick.

8 Own a Coton de Tulear
Guys don’t want to have to go out of their way to learn how to pronounce the breed of their dog. That’s why we prefer Bulldogs, Pitbulls, Pugs, and Mutts. It’s why we’ve shortened Labrador to just “Lab”. There’s no way to pronounce “Coton de Tulear” without growing boobs in the process. Go ahead. I dare you to try it. If you happen to own a dog that is small, white, fluffy, and wearing a pink or blue bow, and there wasn’t a woman involved, you’d better double check to make sure the Vet didn’t accidentally neuter you the last time you brought the dog in.

7 See Any Movie That Stars Hugh Grant
Guys don’t like Hugh Grant. We don’t find him or his British babbling charming or humorous. In fact, the only time we’ve ever actually found him funny was when he got arrested for engaging in “lewd conduct” with that unattractive prostitute. If women didn’t exist, Hugh Grant wouldn’t have a career. Neither would Julia Roberts, Nicholas Sparks, or anyone working at Bravo.

6 Apologize
Guys don’t need to hear “I’m sorry”. We could get into a bloody fist-fight with a friend one night, but the next day we’ll be right back to hanging out again without so much as a word. It’s one of the beautiful things about guy code. There doesn’t have to be a long, drawn out verbal proclamation. A simple handshake and perhaps a pat on the shoulder or the back does the trick. What happened is in the past. No harm, no foul. And the best part is…we won’t use the previous fight as ammo if there happens to be another fight in the future.

5 Talk on the Phone
Just like we don’t need to hear “I’m sorry”, we also don’t need to hear a bunch of babble about how someone else’s day went, what happened, and how they’re feeling about it. Text messaging has been the best thing to ever happen to us. We can say what we need to say in as few words as possible without any phony candy-coated BS. And if a few words won’t do the trick, well, that’s why we have email on our phones as well.

4 Go to brunch… on a Sunday… during Football season
We wait all week for Sunday to roll around. If it were up to us, we wouldn’t even put our pants on on Sundays. So, the only way a guy is going to go “out to brunch” on a Sunday is if he’s dating a woman who happens to be the one wearing those pants.

3 Go to Brunch. Period.
There’s breakfast. And there’s lunch. Men don’t do brunch. When was the last time you’ve heard a group of guys squeal in excitement over midday mimosas and some enticing gossip? If women didn’t exist, neither would the word “brunch”. Also, mimosas would consist of beer, orange juice, and protein powder and be renamed “Hasselhoffs” in honor of his favorite daily breakfast beverage.

2 Watch an Episode of How I Met Your Mother
No guy willingly stumbles upon a CBS sitcom. Either the remote’s batteries go dead right after a game or somehow the remote has ended up in his girl’s hands. These are two actions that CBS pretty much relies on. We’re all for Jason Segel’s antics on the big screen and we love it every time Neil Patrick Harris pops up in a Harold & Kumar movie, but cramming them into a 30 minute sitcom with the annoying chick from American Pie is just not our cup of tea. Also, the term “cup of tea” wouldn’t exist. We don’t even like tea.

1 Leave a Bar Before 12am
Nothing good happens at a bar before 12am. Everyone knows that. So, if a guy is leaving a bar at 11:35, he’s either being dragged out by his girlfriend to watch the past week’s episode of The Bachelor on Tivo before a serious cuddle session OR he managed to get lucky and is leaving early with a girl he just met. Without women, we’d stay at a bar until we puked or they kicked us out. Or until they kicked us out for puking. True, women are one of the reasons we go to bars, but after a few drinks and a couple rounds of arcade basketball and foosball, we tend to forget you’re even there anyway.

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