9 ways to get your Man Card revoked in 2010
Shawn Norris
There have been countless other lists and websites compiled about Man Code; however, most seem a little dated at this point in time. So I give to you a few updated amendments to “The Code.” Now I am not saying that all of these actions will automatically get your Man Card revoked, but they are a few issues that shall soon need to be addressed in the Court of Man.
Watching men’s figure skating
Most men will never utter the words, “Hey look, it’s a man in faux fur and skin-tight spandex skating to Celine Dion’s ‘My Heart Will Go On.’ We should watch this!” Look, to each his own, but most males you ask will tell you that if you’re watching a man twirling around in a sequined blouse to the music of Hall and Oates…you’re doing something wrong. Ballet? We get that. Opera? We get that too. Disney’s Beauty and the Beast on Ice? OK, you’re pushing it. The Men’s Figure Skating National Championships? Someone is liable to rip that Card right out of your jazz hands…
Using fake tanner or getting a spray on tan
We all want to look our best when we go to work or out for drinks or on a date. And I can understand possibly using fake tan in certain situations. But only in extreme cases like if you fell asleep at the pool and only half your face got tan and now you look like a second rate Batman villain or your buddy drew a handlebar mustache on your sleeping face with sunscreen and now you look like some sort of effeminate Civil War General. At the end of the night you want lipstick on that white collar–not an orange smear that makes you look like a four-year-old who can’t keep his Spaghettios under control at dinner time.
Knowing all the lyrics to a Miley Cyrus song
In a time with endless streams of music from iTunes and satellite radio, no grown man should ever have to listen to Miley Cyrus or her alter ego Hannah Montana, let alone know all the words to any of her songs. She’s for teenage girls. Disney specifically designed her for teenage girls. You are an adult male. Metallica was specifically designed for you. Now you don’t need to buy a Metallica record to remind us of your manliness, but another man definitely shouldn’t catch you singing “Party in the USA.” If someone does, they might take your Man Card just for being kind of creepy.
Going to see a chick flick by yourself
If a movie has people in Victorian era costumes or Kate Hudson, you are in direct violation of the man code. Remember that afternoon you got bored and went to see Bride Wars? No you don’t. Men should never be watching football and hear a buddy utter the phrase, “Hey wasn’t Anne Hathaway fantastic in Becoming Jane?” Chick flicks are for special date nights and should only be discussed when your relationship depends on it or sex is being withheld. And if you accidentally tell your friends about seeing one, prepare to suffer a wrath of jokes like: “Cannonball Run. Now is that the one where Keira Knightly plays a Civil War bride? Or am I thinking of a different Cannonball Run?”
Asking for directions
You don’t have GPS? Seriously dude, it’s 2010. Get with the damn program. Or at least try to fake like you know where you’re going long enough that you stumble upon where you’re supposed to go. Law of averages.
Wearing Mascara and you aren’t a rock star
You want to be different and that’s understandable. You feel the need to express yourself, your individuality, and creativity? Cool. But, if you want to wear make-up in public, than you better be a rock star. There are no if’s, and’s, or but’s about this situation. Have you ever seen a Maybelline commercial with a male spokesmodel? Of course not. Make-up is for women and actors and that’s pretty much it. If you are a man and you are wearing make-up for no other reason than you think it makes you look cool…your buddies could possibly relinquish your Man Card forever, relegating you from your usual hangouts to the nearest Sephora.
You have a Bedazzler or have been bedazzled
Bedazzlers are for figure skaters, back-up dancers and Liberace impersonators. It’s no longer the 70’s, and you are not a Rhinestone Cowboy. And if you were, the cards and letters you’d be getting would tell you to make better use of your time than bedazzling jean jackets. No human male should ever wear something bedazzled unless it’s for a Halloween costume or you’re in an Earth, Wind and Fire cover band. No exceptions.
Buying wine coolers for yourself
Bartles and James would like to thank you for your support. But your friends and other men everywhere would like to ostracize you now. Men can drink wine and beer and can even has liqueur without raised eyebrows, but the minute a man picks a Fuzzy Navel out of the refrigerator–all hell breaks loose. You never see a commercial with three men judging a bikini contest while drinking Tropical Mango wine coolers because it’s just not natural. You don’t have to like or even drink beer, but you have to drink something besides wine coolers or forever live in fear that every male that walks by will be there to make fun of your drink selection and confiscate your Man Card.
Spending more than 20 minutes getting ready
Men should be able to get ready in 20 minutes no matter the situation.
“Hey Ted, it’s NASA…yeah, that NASA. Uh huh, we know you’ve been busy with the Peterson account and the adult kickball league, but we talked about it and we decided to send you up in the space shuttle. We know we’ve never contacted you before this afternoon, but we need you on the shuttle today. Yeah, we know you went to space camp when you were 11–that’s weighed heavily in our decision. It’s a seven month mission. So can you pack and be ready in 20 minutes?” Your response should be, “Absolutely. Now am I going to need to pack my snorkel on this mission?”
You are 45 minutes into getting ready while drinking a wine cooler in your bedazzled CATS sweatshirt and singing Hannah Montana as you flip the TV to figure skating highlights – Nobody is worried. Someone probably destroyed your Man Card a long time ago. You’re always late, but at least you’re happy. JAZZ HANDS!!!
And here’s some more fun stuff we think you’ll like…
- The Cure For Boredom Is Found Right Here
- Germany Celebrates Hockey Gold…WTF?
- Dating Somebody Hot Makes You Appear Hotter to Others
- 10 Revealing Videos of Movie Mistakes From Popular Movies
- How to Be a Great Fan — Advice From Pro Cheerer Cameron Hughes
- Did Avatar Rip Off Final Fantasy?
- Even More Stuff Guys Like…
- Is Thor in Iron Man 2?!?!
- Test Drive: 2011 Infiniti M
follow guyism:
Other Stories You Might LIke
9 things you need to stop sharing on Facebook
50 photos of people with bad tans
8 actors that most personify manliness
comment on this story
blog comments powered by Disqus