7 advancements in technology that may be holding men back
Shawn Norris
Men, we are truly living in a fantastic age of technology these days. We’ve developed cameras that could fit on the back of a fly, machines that can create black holes, cars that run off of electricity, and, of course, the vuvuzela… I’m just trying to say that we’ve been on a good run the past few years. Unfortunately, in some areas, we ‘re doing a little “too good”. I’m saying that maybe we have made some things so awesome and/or time consuming that they end up not being very beneficial for the evolution of man. I’m not saying anything on this list is “bad”, I’m just saying they may be keeping a few of us from finally becoming astronauts or professional athletes.
7 The Stripper Mobile is coming
Ding, ding , ding here comes the stripper mobile! How great is it that somebody took the time and money to turn an ordinary bus into a mobile strip club? It’s like being a kid chasing the ice cream truck again except this time you have to make sure you’re waving singles in your hand. It will be the downfall of men because remember how we all used to drop everything and freak out when we heard the music to the ice cream truck? Now imagine five drunken men dropping everything when they hear Girls, Girls, Girls blaring from a bus sound system. If this catches on, men will never get anything done again and will be driving their cars into embankments all over the place. I wouldn’t even be able to finis–wait, do I hear the faint chorus of Pour Some Sugar on Me? Gotta go now. Bye.
6 Fantasy sports are bountiful and ubiquitous
In the early days of fantasy sports, men had to really keep close track of stats and details of each of the players on their fantasy teams. They had to scour the box scores and really invest some time in making a league work. Now we have teams on ESPN drafting every ten minutes, free up-to-the-minute statistics, and an entire culture of writers dedicated to bringing you the latest and greatest fantasy news. Somehow though it is taking up more of our time by taking up less of our time and because of that maybe we have five teams instead of two. That means we have to change all of our lineups before the game starts. “Sorry honey, I know this in your parent’s anniversary dinner, but I’ve really got to get Fred Taylor out of my lineup because he injured his groin closing the door to his car this morning and I’m only three points ahead this week.” This is the stuff that leads to arguments and questions about maturity.
5 Sex robots are now on the market
Sure, men could go out and spend lots of money buying drinks and spending money on trying to woo members of the opposite sex… or they could just go out and buy a robot that has the capability to give them a bj. Hell, it may end up saving them money in the long run though — no more expensive dinners, no more buying drinks, no more buying tickets to the opera, and no more buying flowers after you screw something up. It makes sense that men would want to have a robot that fornicates with them because men think of sex almost every minute of every day. But look at this thing? Do you really want to be known as the creepy guy that lives next door and screws his ugly animatronic girlfriend when he gets home from work? No matter how great the robot it, it could never be as good as the real deal and there is no replacement for real, live breasts… Well, I mean, outside of silicone…
4 Video games are tricking us into thinking we are social and fit
Look, a lot of us play video games. Look at the graphics, how could you not? It used to be that video games were a bunch of 8-bit men jumping around to goofy Japanese techno music, but with Nintendo Wii and the new Xbox Kinect players will be able to play all their favorite sports and activities in the comfort of their own home. That’s great for lazy people that don’t want to leave their house. It’s also bad for lazy people that don’t want to leave their house. Nobody is getting any fresh air or sunshine playing Tony Hawk on the Xbox, and you aren’t getting any real exercise playing Tiger Woods on the Wii. So, no fresh air, no tan, no real exercise (depending on the game) and no meeting real people. Sure it can be somewhat social and somewhat physically beneficial, but wouldn’t you want to be out bowling with real people rather than bowling by yourself? Or maybe you just want to eat mushrooms and battle a fire breathing dragon for the hand of a princess in a pink dress? Dude, you can do that in the bowling alley parking lot if you want. I’m just suggesting some real fresh air and activities with real people need to be thrown into the mix with these games so there aren’t any Howard Hughes type issues with any men reading this.
3 Web cams are being misused
We have this wonderful new technology that gives us the opportunity to connect face-to-face with people all over the world and what do we get the most press using it for? Chatroulette. A service where all the creepy men that Chris Hansen doesn’t have the time to catch, masturbate for women who at first seemed very surprised, but have now become semi-comfortable seeing an uncircumcised member on their computer screen. Seriously? You have nothing better to do than to anonymously stroke your junk at complete strangers? Come on, guy, you’re making all men look like sex-crazed perverts. That’s disgusting, demeaning, and you could be putting a huge dent in the best way for future generations connect with the Web. Wait, is that Girls, Girls, Girls I hear outside again…
2 HD TV is spectacular
Let me preface this statement by saying that I love HD television and I am as guilty as the next man when it comes to watching it. I like my beer cold, my TV in HD, and my women tennis players to look like Bond villainesses. Sports are just so unbelievably awesome when they come in HD that we often find ourselves watching games or sports that we wouldn’t have generally watched on standard definition. “Can’t go out tonight sweetie, Western Birmingham State University is playing Southern Omaha Regional Community College in kickball on ESPNU and next up is women’s beach volleyball, so my dance card is pretty much full.” I sorta hope that 3-D TV isn’t that great so I’ll be able to leave my house when live sporting events are on. Because it’s just so AWESOME!
1 NFL Sunday Ticket
Pretty much for the reasons above, Sunday is a day lost in cheap beer and shoulder pads. We can watch ever single minute of every single NFL football game — at the same time! Some of us even buy multiple televisions just so we can watch the best games simultaneously. They have a channel that is 100% dedicated to teams that are about to score a touchdown. They have a channel that plays eight games at one time, and now it streams all games, in HD, to your mobile phone. You can watch football almost anywhere now. Screw being social with the person sitting next to you on the airplane, the Bengals are in the red zone! And you can do the same thing with all professional and college sports — you never have to be away from the action. Much to the chagrin of the wife and kids…
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