The Drink: Bellini
2 oz Peach Nectar
1 tsp Fresh Lemon Juice
1 oz Peach Schnapps
3 oz Prosecco (wine)
1/2 cup Crushed Ice

There are lots of different ways to make a Bellini (the above is a recipe for a Bellini cocktail) but all of them involve two things: peaches and Prosecco wine, or champagne if you feel like slumming it. So what in the hell does any of that have to do with Giovanni Bellini, the 15th century Venetian artist? Well, it turns out that when Giuseppe Cipriani invented the drink sometime in either the 1930s or ‘40s, the weird, pink color of the drink reminded him of the pinkish color of the toga of a saint painted by Bellini. See, we’re all about education here. Oh, and the occasional dick joke but you know who probably would have appreciated a good dick joke? Giovanni Bellini. He just loved dick jokes. Probably. I mean, I can’t say for sure but who doesn’t?

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The Drink: Bloody Mary
3 parts Vodka
6 parts Tomato Juice
1 part Lemon Juice
Celery Stalk or Dill Pickle Spear for garnish

There are several competing theories about just who the Bloody Mary was named after: there’s Mary Pickford, star of old Hollywood, but the evidence for that is tenuous at best, and then there are several anonymous Marys, the most mentioned of whom is a waitress named Mary who worked at a Chicago bar but she’s not famous so to hell with her. But the most commonly accepted namesake of the Bloody Mary is Queen Mary I of England, which makes sense since, well, her nickname was “Bloody Mary.” Of course, that could all just be coincidence – I mean, the drink gets its name from its bloody appearance thanks to all that disgusting tomato juice (can you tell I’m a fan?) – but that seems like a pretty big coincidence, no? Explain the Mary part then. Taken together, it just makes sense that the drink is named for Queen Mary. Just try not to remember all the Protestants she butchered to earn the nickname the next time you’re forcing one of these down during a particularly vicious hangover. Or think of them, if that helps you for some reason, you deranged freak. Who am I to judge?

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The Drink: John Daly
1/3 Iced Tea
1/3 Lemonade
1/3 Vodka

Now we’re talkin’. A John Daly is basically just an Arnold Palmer only with a bunch of vodka poured in it. Named after John Daly, best known for hitting golf balls a mile and for being a big fat drunk, the John Daly is obviously a superior drink. Apparently, Daly himself doesn’t like it, which makes sense since he’s a recovering alcoholic (or a quitter as they’re known around these parts). But what’s sad is that apparently the man has no sense of humor about it and considers the John Daly a trademark infringement, which is bullshit because if people were really infringing on his trademark, they’d add a cup of lard and a bucket full of shame and depression into the mix. Too mean? Don’t blame me, blame the vodka. Another variation on the Arnold Palmer and the John Daly is the Happy Gilmore, which replaces Vodka with Everclear, but I wouldn’t suggest this unless you want to die and/or burn your house down. Who knew golf could be so wild?

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