The Every Guy’s Guide: The most manly beach drinks
Colin Joliat 
With this past Tuesday marking the first day of summer, we are well into beach season. I know for some people summer doesn’t mean all that much, but for many of us in places like Chicago, NYC, and Boston, this is the most celebrated time of the year. We’ve spent months inside complaining about how cold it is, whining about how we haven’t seen the sun in three months, and swearing that if the weather doesn’t break soon we will pack up and move to San Diego. After suffering all that time, we finally get to start hitting the sand and staring lecherously at girls in bikinis soaking up some sun.
If you are one of those that have been at the beach consistently for the past nine months, consider having to read this to be your share of the suffering. It’s the least you can do to support your fellow man that hasn’t had that luxury. For those of you just hitting the beach again, you are going to need some friendly advice to help dust the rust off. Specifically, you need some tips about drinking on the beach.
As un-American as it seems, most places do not allow you to bring alcohol onto the beach. I don’t know exactly why that’s the case (money), but it’s something with which I’ve learned to deal. After having dozens of beer cans dumped out by bike cops and bottles of vodka and rum poured into the garbage cans while I wept quietly on my towel, I’ve taken to creating cocktails before even leaving the house. Unfortunately, even with a cooler they still tend to get watered down, so I’ve become fairly selective about what to take with me. These are my two go-to drinks when I need something that can survive the hot sun without adverse effects.
Vodka Rocks
All my time spent drinking in bars has taught me one thing. Getting something on the rocks costs almost twice as much as a mixed drink. There’s no logic behind the price gap because it’s the same amount of alcohol, but it’s a fact. Because of this, my habit of ordering vodka rocks developed into enjoying vodka and water. Somehow, by adding a couple ounces of H2O to the glass, the price reduced as much as 50%, and that’s a discount for which my taste buds were willing to sacrifice. This groundbreaking discovery came in handy when I was trying to come up with a drink that would be fine if watered down from sitting in the sun. I think you see where this is obviously going. Pack a bottle full of ice, add some vodka, and you’ve got yourself a future vodka and water. You don’t have to worry about it tasting like watered down crappy lemonade or sprite, you know exactly what you’re getting no matter how long it takes you to finish. Toss a couple slices of lemon in there and you are good to go for hours.
Yucka
A few years back I was partaking in my annual canoe trip. That’s a slightly misleading term since it’s only 4 hours spent on the water and 30 hours spent drinking, but we try to hide our degenerate nature. While floating down the river already under the influence, I came across a family who were clearly seasoned veterans of this sort of affair. It was from them that I discovered what may be the greatest summer drink ever. We traded them the right to do a few keg stands out of my canoe for some of their mystery concoction known only as Yucka (I later found a different recipe with the same name). It was strong, yet delicious and incredibly refreshing. Thankfully they gave me their recipe with the hopes that I might remember it when I got back to camp. It turns out this heavenly libation was actually quite simple. It’s the juice from 6 lemons and 6 limes, a fifth of tequila, and a cup of sugar. Pour it all over a big container of ice and off you go. Yes, it does sounds absolutely terrible, but trust me, it’s quite the opposite. It has become a staple of my sunny summer Sunday afternoons.
When I came up with the idea for this post, I figured I’d list three or four good beach options. After writing up the first two though, I realized that there was nothing else I’d really want to take with me. A rum punch can be decent even when warm, but that’s typically sweeter than I’m going to want in anything short of an umbrella drink. If you manage to keep your mixers cold enough and drink fast enough, anything is a viable option, but we are talking about pre-preparing my cocktails at home. Instead here are a couple things I would absolutely avoid.
Dark Liquor
If you’ve been following my weekly posts here on Guyism, you can probably tell that I’m a big fan of whiskey. This is one case, though, where I avoid it at all costs. While clear liquors aren’t terrible when they are 90 degrees, whiskey or dark rum is absolutely disgusting. If not for the fear of being stuck down by the alcohol gods, I would immediately spit out a shot if it was above room temperature. Obviously exceptions are made when it comes to things like Hot Toddies, but when talking about straight liquor on the beach, these are not the drinks you are looking for.
Alcohol & Orange Juice
I don’t know why, but girls always seem to show up to the beach with Screwdrivers. While I love a woman looking to have a few cocktails during the day, bringing juice to the beach is a recipe for disaster. Unless you are nursing a sore throat from hollering at beautiful babies the night before, there is no excuse for drinking warm juice. Vodka and OJ flat out taste terrible when they are even a little warm not to mention that you’re running the risk of it spoiling in the hot sun.
Alcohol & Gatorade
Urban legend tells us that mixing drinks with Gatorade will get you drunk faster because the electrolytes carry the alcohol into your bloodstream more quickly. Whether this is true or not is still to be determined, but in any case it’s not a very smart idea. Gatorade may taste delicious after a workout, but when it’s warm and you are just lounging around, it somehow tastes entirely different. Add in some warm alcohol and you’ve got yourself a drink that not only tastes bad but will also trick you into believing that you are hydrated. You aren’t though, and the next thing you know you’ll be that sloppy drunk guy that everyone is trying to avoid.
Given that most of you have probably dabbled in a little beach-front boozing, I’m sure you have a couple recipes in your back pocket that you return to in a pinch. If you have a cocktail that works well as it starts to get warm or watered down, do the world a favor and share it. And if you are completely foreign to Yucka as I was years ago, do yourself a favor and try it. Make a half size batch, and I promise you won’t regret it.
comment on this story
blog comments powered by Disqus