Dear Pricks: Female pricks, toilet paper, and more
Dane Robert and Brandon Mendelson
I regret to inform you that Brandon Mendelson is out this week due to an injury. If you’d like to show your support (and love), please feel free to visit the Caring Bridge site. We’ll try to keep you posted on his progress.
I also regret to inform you that Dane Robert is the only one you’ll hear from today. Deal with it.
Dear Pricks,
What do you call a Prick with a vagina?
- Jason
Dane Robert: Nice try, Jason. It’s impossible. Well, except on the rare occasion when a Prick doesn’t abide by the laws of being a Prick.
Your see, Pricks live by a code, and one of those codes is to abort any pregnancy that doesn’t end in baby with a penis. It’s nothing against females, it’s merely for the protection of civilization. When you mix estrogen with the Prick gene, it creates an environment so hostile that it would scare the shit out of shit itself. Case in point: Snooki.
That said, there are two other scenarios where this may be possible: (1) A hermaphrodite Prick, in which case, we would call that Prick an Arianna Huffington. Or, (2) you’ve mistaken a small penis for a vagina. In this case, we would call him a Mendelson (inspired by someone with the same name).
Dear Pricks,
I have a dilemma. When returning from my daily toils yesterday I wished to perform some personal ablutions in the smallest room. However, my peaceful bowel evacuation was shattered by the fact that my good lady had replaced the toilet roll and allowed the excess to hang under the roll as opposed to over! I was always taught that the correct way for a toilet roll to hang was over, as under is a Methodist teaching that should not be encouraged in young gentlemen about town. Now the dilemma: should I switch the roll to its appropriate way and say naught? Or, is it such a sin against God and Man that disciplinary action should be taken?
I await your thoughts with baited breath.
- Tommy
Don't f*ck this up.
A few years back, while on a day trip to take in the Fall colors of the northern woods of the Midwest, I found myself in a sticky situation. You see, earlier that week, I had decided to stop bathing in an attempt to be one with nature on my upcoming hike. One of the resulting effects of not showering, is the crustacean of hardened poop smears intertwined with anal hair. The medical term most used to describe this situation is, dingleberry infestation.
If you’ve ever experienced a similar situation, you’re well aware of the challenges that dingleberries can have on long-distance walks.
Anyway, about an hour into my hike, the dingleberry infestation took over. It began to feel like a someone had shoved a pair of needle-nose pliers up my ass, grabbing each hair and twisting with brute strength. The pain was enough to knock me out cold.
After regaining consciousness, I awoke to the pleasant sensation of a warm, yet rough, tongue lapping my butt crack from top to bottom. Much too my surprise, a grizzly bear had mistaken my hairy ass for a baby cub and using its keen sense of smell, determined that something was amiss. While unconscious, it had carried me to a small brook, submerged my ass and began to lick the dingleberry infestation, clean.
The muffin man is a sexual predator, I'm just saying.
Moral of the story: Who gives a shit about your toilet paper roll?
Dear Pricks,
Do either of you pricks know the muffin man?
- Jason
Dane Robert: Jason, can you please put your daddy on the computer?
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