Dear Pricks: Gaming, message boards, and more

Dane Robert and Brandon Mendelson

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Dane Robert and Brandon Mendelson are just two average guys that offer nothing but the truth. If you’re looking for watered-down answers written in pastel colors, you’ve misspelled “I’m a pussy.” If you want honest answers and bad advice, ask your question here. Who knows, you may be the next person we verbally assault on Guyism.

Dear Pricks,

- Tundra

Dane Robert: Well, for starters, your site looks like shit. Who designed it, your 6-year old retarded nephew? I’ve got shit stains on my undies that look better than this site. Your site claims to be “For Everyone Creative,” yet when I initially saw the site, it sucked every ounce of creativity out of me. In fact, I think you owe an apology to the left side of my brain. You might consider adding the word “rejects” at the end of your tag.

Aesthetics aside, your site is boring as all f*ck. Based on the number of posts and threads, it does appear however that you’ve somehow managed to lure in some trolls. Because you’re a forum it’s most likely a cesspool for pedophiles and misunderstood teenagers, which might have some potential.

Have you ever considered just making this a porn site? Most of those sites are incredibly popular, in spite of their shitty design. You’d do great!

Brandon: If you want a serious answer, email me at bnrmo@bouncr.com. Since you wrote in to Dear Pricks, I’m going to give you the prick answer.

The truth is, unless you have a solid offline network, know how to cheat Google like The Huffington Post and the rest of the AOL empire does, have a celebrity endorse you, or get lucky and the denizens of the Web back you on a place like 4Chan’s /b, Digg, Fark, or Reddit, you’re not going to get “really popular”.

Okay. You could get lucky. All of these things have happened, and people do just get lucky (see: Justin Bieber), but the Web only lets you go so far on your own.

In the early days of the Web, you would have had a better shot, but now that the corporations have taken over, none of us really have an opportunity to get anywhere unless you can get that endorsement or network like a motherf*cker. And I don’t mean network in the stupid way all these useless marketing books tell you. I mean really just meet people with no objective other than to meet them.

You want advice? Get off your computer, start meeting people. And try not to kidnap them. I tend to do that, and things always get messy when you do.

And if you know any celebrities who owe you a favor, now is the time to call it in.

- Billy

I wear their shirt, they pay me in government assistance.

Like I said before, your “friends” make fun of you because you’re on a eff’n plate (and rightfully so), everything else is secondary.

But, because you took the time to send us yet another question, let me provide with a few pieces of friendly advice:

1. Your name is Bill. You should change that — legally … and permanently.

2. Fire the agent who got you the plate gig.

3. Sell your toy and do something productive with your life, the government support teat is starting to get sore.

4. Taste one of your turds, just once, as a point of reference for my next piece of advice.

5. Next time you’re considering sending us a question, eat shit.

Oh, and have a lovely day.

Brandon: No. Since most conversations on Xbox Live use two words I can’t print here on Guyism, I’d tell you to put those words together as a screen name. Then, when someone calls you a bigot and a racist, you can say, “You’re doddamn right I am!”

That’ll give you the edge in all of your matches. No one wants to f*ck with a hardcore racist on the Internet. You never know if they’re going to show up at your house and rape your mother.

So, your name is stupid. Use my suggested name. It’s better. And you’ll win.

Thank me later after. Preferably after you’ve crushed some handicap 12 year-olds whose only source of enjoyment in life is Halo.

Dear Pricks,

- Chelsea

Chicken Shit For Sale

1. Approximately 56 pounds of I don’t know and I don’t give a shit.

2. Well, if anyone is paying for a chicken shit, they’re an idiot, so they’re probably getting scammed for every penny they have. The same person probably listens to Melissa Etheridge, so now they’ve been f*cked twice.

3. Somebody who thinks that last Saturday was Judgement Day.

4. Yes, but that’s only because if I run out of gas, I’m lost in Mexico, trying to outrun my bookie. Chickens are as good as currency to the Mexicans.

Brandon: There’s a whole lot of stupid going on here. I’m afraid I can’t help you. You see, Dad worked and Mom drank, so I didn’t really get to hang around farms and do stuff that other kids did.

I mean, I’m “aware” of farms, but when it comes to doing something like measuring chicken shit, determine its value, and trying to develop it into an alternative source of view? Sorry. I can’t help you there.

Now, if this was a video game, perhaps one of those educational ones that used to sneak onto the early consoles like Mario Is Missing, then I might be able to help you.

Maybe you can go and grab the rights to a game where Mario stands behind a chicken and waits for them to shit, and the player only gets to hit the A button if the chicken doesn’t shit enough.

You know what? That sounds like something Nintendo probably already has in development, which is great because it means less work for you AND you’ll get the answers you’re looking for soon enough.

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