Dear Pricks: How to deal with crazy women and aliens
Dane Robert and Brandon Mendelson
Guys on Guyism deserve a woman’s touch every now and then. Today is now and then. Brandon Mendelson has decided to take one in the rear and get bumped for a lady. In his place, the hilarity of Tracy Marquez is here to answer this week’s questions. You can follow her lovely ass at http://twitter.com/#!/tracy_marq and tweet her sweet nothings. If you have any questions that require a woman’s touch, ask them here.
Dear Pricks,
A couple times a month my astral body is being abducted by inter-dimensional aliens when I sleep. How do I make them stop?
– Frank
Who doesn't need alien abduction advice?
Now, take those rough-grit-double-wide sticks and rub them on your inner thighs with all your might. Once you break the skin, you’ll know when to stop. Very good.
Did it hurt?
No? I didn’t think so. You need to get off the f*ckin’ psychedelics before you mistake a Chuck E. Cheese’s for a Phish concert.
If it did hurt, then I made a terrible mistake and I can’t help you. My deepest apologies.
Tracy Marquez: Hello “Frank.” Are you sure you don’t have a vagina? Double check right now and make sure you don’t have a vagina and aren’t a twelve year-old girl. I know it’s probably extremely stereotypical of me, being a woman, to assume you’re on your period, but if you don’t know what to expect then you won’t know that it feels exactly like your body is being abducted by inter-dimensional aliens.
Now, if you realized that you have a penis then keep on reading. First off, shouldn’t you be stoked that someone is willing to sleep with you? I say take what you can get and roll with it. If not, then have you heard of sleeping pills you piece of shit? Pop a couple of those in your mouth and you won’t notice an alien judging your genitals. Now, if you’re still not satisfied then f*ck off, this is free advice.
Now lastly, if you do want to rid of them forever, you are going to have to enema yourself. But, beforehand, make sure you paint your whole body green. Specifically, lime green. Once your whole body is lime green, then enema the shit out of yourself and they should disappear.
Dear Pricks,
Should I keep having sex with this crazy girl, who has a boyfriend, even when she gets drunk and insecure?
– Wess
Dane Robert: Do me a favor and check that excess amount of skin hanging between your penis and sphincter. Does it contain at least one oval-ish mass that hurts when you squeeze it? (I know, it’s hard to grip it between your fingers as it wants to slide away, but just try.)
If you feel something, that means you have a testicle — which is good. Inside that testicle is what we call, man the f*ck up. Now, go stick that little wiener (not the Rep. from New York) in that drunk, insecure ass.
After that, you’re free to have sex with her boyfriend. Clearly, that’s who you’re with emotionally.
While Tracy is trying to make it as a comedian, she still hangs onto her part-time work as a Ron Jeremy stunt double.
Have you seen this boyfriend? Can you kick his ass or run faster then him? If she wants to sleep with you then sleep with her Wess, with more than one s. The liquor and her craziness might be all she has and you can totally ruin that by not sleeping with her. And, since when the f*ck do you care if she’s insecure? I thought that was a guys favorite quality in a woman, besides boobs and a working vagina.
Remember, if you start to feel bad, just know that she already has boyfriend that she can sleep with, who probably has a bigger dick anyways.
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