Dear Pricks: Pot, funniness, and more
Dane Robert and Brandon Mendelson
Dane Robert and Brandon Mendelson are just two average guys that offer nothing but the truth. If you’re looking for watered-down answers written in pastel colors, you’ve misspelled “I’m a pussy.” If you want honest answers and bad advice, ask your question here. Who knows, you may be the next person we verbally assault on Guyism.
Dear Pricks,
Why haven’t you answered questions on DearPricks.com since 4/20? Nobody is hungover that long.
- Mike H.
Sometimes it seems like things just stop on 4/20.
I’ll be honest with you, as funny as your reference to a weed-induced hangover might have been, it couldn’t be further from the truth. You see, unlike you, Brandon and I don’t live off of government support. We never been institutionalized in a penitentiary like your father, and we sure as hell haven’t parented as many bastard children as your mother.
My point is: mind your own f*cking business, dipshit.
Still, it really was sweet of you to care so much.
Brandon: Because I’m writing a book. A real one. Not one of those pussy e-books that people put out and then go “Oh look at me! I’m an author too!” No. You are not an author. Not until you go through the glacial process that is preparing a book proposal, selling it, writing that book, and then having it released along with six hundred others by a publisher. And then when it comes out, watching your book get totally neglected by the publisher unless you’re able to sell a thousand or so units on your own. That’s the mark of a true …
You know what? I should have just wrote an e-book. I take it all back. If you wrote and published an e-book, you’re just as legit an author as I am. Seriously. … Do you think we can be friends? I’m kind of lonely, my wife is never around, and there’s only so much porn a guy can watch.
Maybe we can start some kind of Author Friendship Club where everyone’s invited, but we’ll be really snotty toward the people we don’t like. You know, like the people who write fiction for teenagers?
Dear Pricks,
Do you two realize how unfunny and gay you are?
- Mike Z.
What Ronny said.
As a public service to you and everyone reading this, I want to make you aware that using the term “gay” to refer to someone being “stupid” is offensive to a guy that goes by the name of “Gayness”. You can see his heartfelt cry in the comments section, here.
While we like a good gay joke as much as the next guy, “Gayness” has helped us realize that for every gay joke, there’s a gay person crying somewhere. So, in an effort to bring balance to the world (and allow Gayness to save those tears for his upcoming breakup with Steve), we’ve committed ourselves to also make straight people cry. We’d like you to consider going the same, Mike.
Brandon: In almost all of these columns, I’ve made references to my love of porn star Jada Fire. Around the Web, I’ve also documented my desire to kidnap and keep her in some kind of underground sex dungeon that my wife can never find out about.
So, I can only guess when you say “gay” you’re referring to how happy I am … or how much I like bright colors. Which is true. I really do like bright colors. But I’m not gay in the other sense of the word. I thought about it, but dudes just don’t do it for me. That said, I totally support that lifestyle, their right to marry, and equal treatment under the law.
That said, I’d take a dick in my mouth if it meant the difference between wasting my life writing jokes on the Internet, and regularly appearing on television and making jokes. I mean, those people watching me would probably be shut-ins, either afflicted with Alzheimer’s or who just want the TV on so they don’t feel alone. But who cares? I’m on television. I win.
You may think I’m kidding, but I’m not. I’d take a dick in the mouth to get there. I’d also take a vag too. I don’t care. If it means getting off the Internet, I’ll f*cking do it. I’m tired of being trapped in the Internet bubble, and there’s no way out unless you’re lucky, rich, well networked, or tap into the right vein at the right time with just the right idea.
So whether or not taking a dick in my mouth and collecting a few million dollars makes me gay, I don’t really care. Seriously. Don’t care. I won’t even think twice about it. You know why? Because I’ll be counting my money, paying off my student loans, and will have made enough where if I don’t feel like doing anything? I don’t have to. What are you going to do? Sit around on the Internet and be a little bitch? That sure sounds like a great plan to me.
How’s that working out for you?
Oh. Right. You said I wasn’t funny either. Well. I’m not. I’m more painfully awkward and gangly. Occasionally, I make a funny comment that comes out of my hatred toward the world and people like you. So, you totally hit the nail on the head with that comment.
Maybe you can make a career out of telling people what they are and what they’re not? I don’t know. I’d say it’d be a hell of an upgrade from “Guy who writes email to strangers”.
Hey, I’ll let you in on a little secret. We ran out of questions. That makes you our last resort, which is probably how all the women in your life see you too. If you have any. I doubt you do with all the time you spend writing important missives to total strangers.
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