Dear Pricks: Two-eyed chicks and Anthony Weiner

Dane Robert and Brandon Mendelson

Dear Pricks two eyed chicks Dear Pricks: Two eyed chicks and Anthony Weiner

This week Dane Robert and Tracy Marquez are here to answer a couple of rather stupid questions. If you have a question that you don’t think is stupid, and needs to be answered honestly, ask it here. If you’re rather shy and prefer to just observe, feel free to read this week’s Q&A’s below (asked by people who weren’t chickshit, like you.)

Dear Pricks,

What do you think of two-eyed chicks who take a photo of one eye?

– Alexander

Dane Robert: I gotta be honest, there is such a thing as a dumb question and this one is a glaring example. I mean, I get what you’re asking, but why don’t you just ask it point blank? Rot in hell, idiot. (I didn’t mean that, but really I did.)

Anyway, what do I think? Well, let me see. I guess if I took your question in its simplest form, without deciphering your f*ckin’ code, I would say that if she has a vagina, I would probably want to stick my wiener in her. I mean, I could give a left nut what she takes a picture of, as long as she was mildly attractive. I’m not the hottest guy, so I’ll f*ck pretty much anything that’s willing.

Now, once I crack your genius code, I think what you’re asking is, what do I think of women that take photos of their vagina. Well, I would say that if she has a vagina, I would probably want to stick my wiener in her.

You got that? My answer doesn’t change. But, I stand firm on the fact that your question is f*ckin’ stupid.

Tracy Marquez: How do you even know they have two eyes? Did you find a group of cyclops women that you are keeping to yourself? Share the wealth man.

I think anyone who takes multiple of pictures of themselves and they aren’t all meant to be funny, really need to get their shit together. We don’t need to see yourself in the bathroom at multiple angles doing the same pose over and over again. We get it. We f*cking get it.

Dear Pricks,

How do I avoid the same mistakes that Anthony Weiner made?

– Jonathan

Dear Pricks: Two eyed chicks and Anthony Weiner

Strangely enough, he actually looks like a real wiener.

Dane Robert: First off, if your last name is Weiner, you need to make the bulging underwear photo your avatar. It’s easy explainable and sent to everyone equally. Problem solved.

If you weren’t so fortunate in the name department, here are a few suggestions on ways to play the game without getting caught:

1. Don’t take pictures of your penis (with or without underwear).

2. If you’re bound and determined to send the picture, as a litmus test, send the picture to your grandma first. If she’s cool with it, send away.

3. Make sure the chick on the other end likes you. This is stalking 101, f*cktard.

4. Can you even send photos through Twitter DM?

5. How about just meeting up and f*cking instead?

6. Avoid having a long, skinny neck. It’s a dead giveaway.

7. And finally, pay your people better to shut the f*ck up.

If none of those suggestions work for you, you might want to consult with Sarah Palin, she’s been getting away with it for almost two years.

Tracy Marquez: The very first thing you need to avoid is having a last name with the words Weiner, Cock, Penis, and or Dick. The next step is to not be a politician. Those dudes always get caught, always.

If you really want to be a politician then you have to make sure that you are super good at saying you believe and stand for one thing and then doing the exact opposite of it.

You also have to be very internet savvy and learn the difference between a DM and a tweet.

Lastly, don’t send a girl (or boy) a dick pic. Girls aren’t into that I promise you.

Now, on the off chance that you are talking to a girl who does want a picture of your cock, send her this instead: “google.com image search cocks”. Make sure to have her not look up “penis” because then you will get a lot of diagrams of penises, just saying.

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