Dear Pricks: Where’s Osama, zombies, and more

Dane Robert (aka: Cornelio Prick) and Brandon Mendelson (aka: Hugeh Prick) are two jerks who answer your questions. They’re fed up with the bullcrap canned answers that syndicated columnists give to people like you. You deserve the truth, even if it hurts. Dear Abby can kiss their backside.

Dear Pricks,

Where the hell is Osama?

- Erwin

Dane Robert: I do know where Osama is, but quite frankly, I don’t want you f*cking up what Duane Chapman, my Sensei and I have been working on for the last six years. Let’s just say, if all goes as planned, this time next year “Dog” and I will be free-climbing the face of Mount Rushmore with a pound of catnip and a pocket full of Chinese stars.

Look, I’ve already said too much.

Just forget about him, kid. He’s a ghost.

Brandon Mendelson: C’mon dude. Really? Do I look like the CIA to you? Osama Bin Laden is in Pakistan. You know he’s in Pakistan. I know he’s in Pakistan. The CIA knows he’s in Pakistan. The problem is Pakistan has nuclear weapons, and they’re a (pretty crappy) ally of ours in the fight against Al-Qaeda and other dipshits who blow things up to scare us, not because they find it funny. So we know where he is, but there’s not much we can do about it. On the plus side, we have plenty of other a**holes we can kill with our robots. And who doesn’t enjoy that?

The odds are Osama Bin Laden will outlive you. You know why? Because I’m going to come to your house and kick your ass for asking such a stupid question after I’m done f*cking your wife while she wears a Wonder Woman costume.

I’m just kidding. Those Wonder Woman costumes are expensive. The cheap ones go for about $80, and then you gotta go find the boots, which can be a real bitch. Plus I like to rip that shit up each time, which means one night of fun might require multiple costumes. By the time I’m done tracking down those costumes and boots, I’m tired and don’t want to kill anything unless it appears on my TV screen and I’m shooting it with a plastic gun.

Which is a lot like how operating one of those robots, come to think of it …

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Dear Pricks,

Does a Prick live longer than other people?

- Jonas

Dane Robert: First, you need to understand something. We are superior to you — and everyone else for that matter. This in and of itself, is not the reason we live longer, but rather, just something that I thought you should know.

Jonas, the tone of your question sounds like you’re desperate for acceptance. Quite frankly, you kind of sound like a whiny little bitch. If you’re looking for someone to replace your alcoholic father’s lack of affection, it’s not us.

You see, Jonas, by degrading you, we’re not only devaluing you as a human being, but we’re also peeling away your zest for life. It’s much like de-turding a shrimp for consumption.

We live longer than most people, because we eat away at their will to live. And, all the while, we feed off their misery, which just makes us stronger.

But, like every other superhuman life form, we have a kryptonite. In our case, it’s Japanese women (pre-tsunami). And of course, Chuck Norris.

There’s also this: while most semen die either trying to penetrate the egg or within a inhospitable environment, Prick semen are immortal and unwavering. They can survive in any climate and fight with their little semen heart. This characteristic is bred into the Prick offspring.

Brandon Mendelson: Are you talking about Dane and I specifically as Pricks? If so, then the answer is no. We’ll probably get killed by some irate troll who doesn’t understand that this column is called “Dear Pricks,” and whose only recourse after reading our answers in their tiny little mind is to murder the people who made them look stupid.

The rest of the pricks out there? Donald Trump, Dan Abrams, Sarah Palin, Arianna Huffington, Nancy Grace, Fred Phelps, The NFL owners? Those motherf*ckers are going to live forever. You know why? Because evil gets a pass. So my advice to you is to go to NicheClips.com, download a bunch of faux snuff films, get a rusty knife, and start cleaving your way down the West Coast. Why the West Coast? Because serial killers love that place, and no one is really going to miss those people anyway. Why do you think the rest of us keep rooting for that killer earthquake to come and drop California into the Pacific? Because we like geology?

(By the way: Killer Earthquake would make a great name for a band. It would also make a great name for a pro wrestler, and since the original Earthquake is dead, I don’t think he’s going to mind if you or one of your friends borrow the name for that purpose. Well, except for when his hungry corpse roams the Earth again during Ragnarok, but at that point you’ve got bigger things to worry about. Like figuring out who’s going to feed your pets.)

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Dear Pricks,

How would you fight off a zombie infestation invasion?

- Matt

Dane Robert: As much as I would like to be a DEF-CON 4 level of loser like you and your boner-licking friends, I unfortunately didn’t grow up in a land of make-believe, with a group of dudes that circle-jerked while playing Dungeons and Dragons. I live in a world where people enjoy having sex with other people and when we masturbate, it’s thinking about actual sex, not anime.

With all of Brandon’s years of virginity and comic book experience, I’m going to defer to him on this question.

But, for the record, I think you’re both eff’n retarded.

Brandon Mendelson: I wouldn’t fight off a zombie infestation invasion. I’d probably let them bite me, grab a video camera while waiting for the infection to spread, and then record myself eating as many people as I can while I’m still human.

You know why? Because although humanity is usually boned in scenarios like this, it’s very possible that a cure could be found too. You don’t know what caused the zombies to appear in the first place, do you? So if it’s a virus or something, there could be an antidote. Assuming I’m cured, I could then put my video on eBay and sell it. You know there’s someone out there who would want it. Especially if they’re living in a place that was unaffected by the zombie infestation outbreak. And if not? I’m dead anyway. So who cares?

If I’m infected and about to become a zombie, I think I’m going to find out where Goldie Blair lives and eat her first. People like to buy movies where horrible things happen to woman with giant cans.

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