How to make Buffalo Chicken Egg Rolls

Colin Joliat Alcohol & Food Editor

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Colin Joliat

 

Standard Chinese egg rolls are awesome, but with less than two weeks until Veterans’ Day, we needed something more American. Instead, I give you Buffalo Chicken Egg Rolls!

This actually has nothing to do with Veterans’ Day or America. I just wanted to make Buffalo Chicken Egg Rolls. Sue me. It turns out that they’re stupidly easy to make and don’t take long at all. The toughest part was figuring out where the grocery store keeps their egg roll wrappers.

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Colin Joliat

 

They’re in the refrigerated produce section. Thanks, Yahoo answers!

You can cook chicken breasts and shred them, but I used cans to keep things as simple as possible for once. Just don’t accidentally buy Chicken of the Sea thinking that it’s chicken. A certain weight-fluctuating celebrity already made a fool out of herself doing that.

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Colin Joliat

 

This is where my brother always says, “Be careful.” It doesn’t matter what I’m doing. If I pick up a knife, he says be careful. Apparently I have a bad track record with sharp objects.

I used a peeler to get the thin strips of carrots, but you can slice them really finely if you’re into that sort of thing. There’s enough crunch from the celery and onions that it’s not necessary though.

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Colin Joliat

 

This photo doesn’t look like it belongs here. It actually looks nice, and I apologize for that.

While it looks pretty, next time I’ll make a thinner layer of chicken, add the carrots, celery, onions, and blue cheese, then put more chicken on top. That way the crunch is right in the middle instead of along the edge.

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Colin Joliat

 

As much fun as I’ve been having with my new deep fryer, this is an example of why it’s not good for everything. I made this mutant the exact same way as the others but tried cooking it in the fryer. The flap of the egg roll immediately unrolled and started to cook, causing it too look like an experiment gone wrong – which is was.

[Insert picture of pan-frying process here.]

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Colin Joliat

 

As you can see, pan frying works out much better. They actually look like egg rolls instead of shitty boat sails.

I made mine oversized because this is the Guyism Grill, but you could make them small, and I’d still respect you. The dipping sauce is ranch since there’s already crumbled blue cheese in the rolls, but if you are obsessed with mold feel free to dip it blue cheese as well, freak.

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Colin Joliat

 

While the Chinese may frown upon my bastardization of their egg rolls, they won’t say shit about my fortune cookies. Why? Because fortune cookies are as American as Hacksaw Jim Duggan. We’re the only people dishing out these tasteless desserts with life altering messages.

Ingredients:

  • 9 oz cooked chicken (2 cans)
  • 1 stalk celery
  • 1 carrot
  • 1 small red onion (use w/ discretion)
  • 1/4 cup crumbled blue cheese
  • 1/3 cup Franks Red Hot
  • 4 egg roll wrappers
  • Ranch dressing

Directions:

  1. Thaw egg roll wrappers.
  2. Finely slice carrots, celery, and red onion.
  3. Mix chicken and hot sauce in small bowl.
  4. Heat canola oil in pan to 350 degrees.
  5. On wrapper, layer in order chicken, carrot/celery/onion, blue cheese, and more chicken.
  6. Roll wrapper as conveniently demonstrated on the back of package (like a diamond burrito).
  7. Place rolls flap side down in oil. Cook, turning occasionally, for 2-3 minutes.
  8. Drain on paper towel.
  9. Dip in sauce, bite, dip in sauce, bite, dip in sauce, bite.
  10. Punch the first person to complain about double-dipping.
  11. Go to step 9.

Make one of these other awesome recipes. You’ll be the coolest kid in the world.

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