The Every Guy’s Guide to Tailgating
Colin Joliat 
When I was in college, tailgating was easy. It was so easy, in fact, that it was just called “pre-party.” There were no RVs, tents, or grills to worry about. We didn’t have to plot out parking or rides. We just called the liquor store on Friday night and had them drop off six kegs of terrible beer, a case of vodka, and some mixers the next morning. No one demanded anything more than frat sodas and jungle juice, so that’s all we needed to provide.
While adult tailgate parties may lack women wearing nothing but leggings and sorority tank tops, they are still one of the best parts of football season. People expect a little more than just a keg and some Solo cups, but with a little planning, you can have the one of the finest parties in the parking lot. There is plenty more you can do to get to the absolute top of the tailgate pile, but we are just looking to improve the average man here.
Food
The quickest way to recognize a big boy tailgate is by the food. It’s not necessary to go all out with ribs and steaks, but you can do better than the nearby frat house with nothing but a grill full of wieners. Take some time on Friday, and prep a few pounds of hamburger and chicken. If you feel so inclined, you can mix your seasonings and some chopped onions into the ground beef before gently forming your burgers, but even just using fresh ground beef and making your own patties will put you a notch above the average Saturday chef. It can be tough on a busy afternoon to know exactly when the chicken tits are perfectly cooked, but if you marinate them the night before you will give yourself a little leeway in terms of done vs. dried out.
There are plenty of premade options at the grocery store, so don’t worry if you don’t have your own secret marinade recipe. While you are there, pick up a few other things to go along with your main dishes. Various chips and dips are always winners, but think about getting pasta salad and fruit salad as well. If you want to really class up the joint, break out cheese and vegetable platters. This will give the people who just want to nibble something better to eat than junk food.
Lastly, if you really want to impress the crowd, make kebobs. It’s a pain to cut all the veggies and construct the kebob, but the vegetarians in your crowd (there’s always one lurking) will greatly appreciate it. Plus, they’re delicious and it gives people a great excuse to eat some vegetables. Cherry tomatoes, zucchini, whole mushrooms, onions, and a rainbow of peppers will make it a solid second option for people not looking to eat consume flesh.
Drinks
As I mentioned before, cheap keg beer typically reigns supreme at a tailgate. If you have a large crowd, I certainly wouldn’t try to dissuade you from buying silver cylinders of delicious golden nectar from the gods. Just because it comes in a redneck family-sized can, though, doesn’t mean that you have to get bottom of the barrel beer. Any respectable liquor store will have a full line of legitimate beers by the keg. Be sure you get beer tubs as well, because even the best beer tastes bad when it’s warm. If you are going to stick to cases because you don’t want any unfinished beer to go to waste, pick up a variety of options for people. Cases of Bud Light and Coors Light are perfect for those who will be playing drinking games or don’t really care about the taste, but for those who came for good beer and camaraderie, an array of craft beers is in order.
Just because you aren’t in college doesn’t mean that you can’t make an alcoholic punch either. The Pink Panty Pulldown is always a crowd pleaser, though you may not want to say that name in front of your grandma. In a large cooler, mix 6-8 beers, a fifth of vodka, 2 frozen pink lemonade concentrates, and as much ice as you can fit.
It’s also important to remember that not everyone at the party will be drinking. There are typically a few noble souls who have agreed to be designated drivers, so be sure to have something for them. If you know who it is in advance, go ahead and ask what they’d like. If you don’t know what people would prefer, just bring a few different types of soda, pop, coke, or any combination thereof. Bottled water is also a good idea for all in attendance because any day starting with a tailgate tends to be long and exhausting. I’m not suggesting you go with the “every other drink should be water” technique, but it’s in your best interest to have people throw a few bottles back throughout the day. People will be more likely to stay hydrated if it’s sitting there out in the open, so just leave a few bottles in a tub with ice.
Equipment
Tom Brady suggested that the fans, “Start drinking early; get nice and rowdy. It’s a 4:15 game, they’ll have a lot of time to get lubed up, come out here, and cheer for their home team.” Who am I to argue with that? If you are spending a lot of time getting lubed up though, you are also spending a lot of time standing out in the sun. We all know how quickly drinking in the sun can drain your energy, so pick up a canopy tent before heading out. Being able to duck under it for a little shade will help you to last the entire afternoon without slowing down. Keeping the food and beer in the shade is typically a good idea also.
It should be pretty obvious that you are going to need a table for all of your food, but you may want more than just one. Much like you aren’t too old for spiked punch, you also aren’t too old to have drinking games at a tailgate. Beer pong, flip cup, and any other number of games are great to get the competitive juices flowing and re-energize people if they start to lose steam after a few hours of revelry. You don’t need a regulation sized table painted to look like a football field; just a standard folding table will suffice for some outdoor fun.
Last, and least, pick up a ridiculously large flag and pole. While some parking lots have marked spots, most places are just a mass of cars and tents in lines that seeming go forever. If you throw a 20+ foot flag up though, your guests will be able to spot you with ease. The last thing you want after putting together an amazing party is to sit on the phone all day trying to describe to people that you are 19 rows south and 47 cars over from the west entrance.
I know that all you really need to tailgate is food, beer, and friends, but that doesn’t mean that you should be resigned to do the bare minimum though. Just a few improvements here and there and you can make it so you aren’t just another car in the aisle. If any readers have tried and true techniques, let others know with a comment. You never know when you might need to crash someone else’s party, so you might as well help them make it better.
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