Guyism Reports: The 24-hour Four Loko diet
K. Thor Jensen 
So everybody’s buzzing about Four Loko, the alcoholic energy drink that is causing medical emergencies all over the country. I live in Washington State, where nine college students were hospitalized after drinking it at a party. Naturally, this made me curious to see what all the controversy was about. And, of course, I wanted to do it with science.
I tried Sparks, the first alcoholic energy drink, when it was first test marketed in New York City. It tasted like Ecto Cooler that had been brewed in Amy Winehouse’s p*ssy. So I wasn’t expecting much from Four Loko. Matters were worsened by the fact that the convenience store had been cleaned out by tweakers, leaving just six cans remaining – four Watermelon and two Fruit Punch.
So here are the ground rules:
Rule 1: I must drink six cans of Four Loko in a 24 hour period. By math, this multiplies out to 24Loko.
Rule 2: I can consume no other food or beverage. I am allowed to drink the Four Loko over ice.
Rule 3: I will not have access to the Internet during these 24 hours.
When I told my wife what I was doing, she added another rule.
Rule 4: I must be locked in the basement for the duration of this experiment.
One can of Four Loko is equivalent to about four and a half beers and three cups of coffee. To work out the math, that means I will be consuming twenty-seven beers, eighteen cups of coffee and nothing else during this period. Now, I’m not a young man. I’m 34 years old. I have two kids. Gone are the days when I’d spend all night at warehouse parties dancing like a spastic to whatever broken washing machine is at the top of the iTunes chart. Now I’m in bed reading a library book by 8:15. So my body is not in peak physical condition.
In my youth, I certainly had my share of substance abuse overkill – I used to be a major robo-loader before rappers had even heard of purple drank, and have smuggled pills across the border from Mexico for fun and profit. But that was when I was young, dumb and full of cum. Now I’m old, cold and full of mold. So let’s see how this Four Loko treats me.
8:00 AM
Started drinking the first can. It tastes absolutely disgusting – like a bargain basement wine cooler with a touch of cat pee. About fifteen minutes in, started shivering uncontrollably. It’s cold in the basement. The only heat down there is a wood stove so I figured I’d start a fire while I still had control over my arms and legs. Already I am thinking that open flame is a bad idea, so thankfully it goes out after about twenty minutes.
I started getting really jittery about a half an hour in. My fingers were numb, but that might just be cold. By a little before 10:00 AM I had the first can finished. First major effect was that EVERYTHING WAS FUNNY. I was holding onto the counter in the basement just jumping up and down and laughing. Second thing that happened was I was REALLY BORED. So I broke Rule #3 and fired up AIM. I will be posting excerpts from a chat window I had open throughout this article.
kthorjensen (10:00:39 AM): one can of watermelon 4loko down, five to go. I’ve decided to stay in chat as long as I can
eviliraqi (10:00:59 AM): uh oh.
11:00 AM
According to the video I started the second can at about 11:00, earlier than I had intended. This was the Fruit Punch flavor. From looking at the photos it’s painful to see that, over ice, you have to pour four 8oz glasses of this to empty a can.
The Fruit Punch is slightly less nauseating than the Watermelon – it just tastes like a can of Hawaiian Punch that somebody buried in the yard for several years. There’s the unmistakable tang of cheap alcohol, but it’s masked a little bit better. I felt the caffeine starting to hit me more than the alcohol, but that might be because I’m not used to consuming it.
hellalikedying (11:32:06 AM): are you gonna duckbill your wife proper tonight, thor
kthorjensen (11:32:06 AM): WHO CAN SAY
mindanaostreet (11:32:20 AM): I think they don’t allow duckbilling in the ER.
kthorjensen (11:32:23 AM): literally righ tnow i am holding onto the counter int he basement and jumping up and down over and over again
This was something that I was concerned with for some time – the state of my underwear.
1:00 PM
Can #3 is begun. We return to the Watermelon flavor. Since the fruit punch is objectively better, I decided to save it for near the end of the run.
kthorjensen (1:06:12 PM): oh no coffee
kthorjensen (1:06:23 PM): the rules are i can’t have any food or drink besides 4loko for 24 hours
kthorjensen (1:06:33 PM): i had a big breakfast
kthorjensen (1:06:41 PM): panckakes
eviliraqi (1:06:47 PM): whoever came up with this wants you dead
kthorjensen (1:06:51 PM): i came up with it
Things are starting to get really confusing at this point. I am obviously impaired to a pretty great degree here, with the equivalent of 10 beers and six cups of coffee in my system. I intend to soldier on and grind through two more cans before the sun goes down. The energy from the caffeine is being removed by the alcohol.
kthorjensen (2:03:32 PM): nobody’s home
kthorjensen (2:03:36 PM): but me and the animals
agonyofirony (2:03:44 PM): you ARE an animal
kthorjensen (2:03:57 PM): no
kthorjensen (2:03:59 PM): NO
5:00 PM
Can #4 begins. I have one video file of me opening it and drinking it. That’s literally the only way I have of knowing what happened. By this point, I had entered the “walking blackout” phase, where I was obviously conscious but my brain functions had been so reduced by the alcohol that I was making decisions like a lizard. Over the next three hours, I would manage to complete a fourth can.
kthorjensen (5:48:12 PM): HOLY SHIT
kthorjensen (5:48:14 PM): I’
kthorjensen (5:48:17 PM): M AWAKE
kthorjensen (5:48:20 PM): FUCK THIS WHOLE IDEA
8:00 PM
After filming this video, I turned the camera off, put it on the ground and passed out on the toilet. Somehow I stayed vertical and spent the next ten hours with my ass glued to the seat, dead to the world. My wife came downstairs and shook me awake. The entire room smelled of Four Loko – it was like the worst prom after-party ever. I opened all the windows and walked upstairs, where I passed out again in bed. I slept fitfully for another four hours. When I woke up, I stank of the stuff. My mouth was dry and there was a giant sweat stain on the bed. Everything reeked. I threw the windows open in the basement for the next few days but I can still smell it, a medicinal, cheap tang that makes me nauseous just thinking about it. There’s a ring of bruises on my asscheeks. It was so cold down there that some of the skin stuck to the seat.
We abuse substances to make our regular lives better. Watching movies is fun; watching movies while you smoke pot is more fun. Making out is fun; making out on Ecstasy is more fun. I can’t think of a single human activity that is improved by the addition of Four Loko. It’s pink death piss from Satan’s prick in a 22 ounce can and it should not only be made illegal, the people responsible for making and selling it, right down to the poor chump at the convenience store, should be put to death.
I have one can left. I’m sure I’ll be able to sell it to a nostalgic hipster sometime in 2021 and put my kid through college.
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