History’s 9 worst modes of transportation
Shawn Norris
Sometimes we have to get places. Other times we have to get places fast. No matter what your schedule, there will always be modes of transportation that fit your lifestyle. But you may want to keep some things in mind when choosing how to get from place to place. Things like how much certain modes of transportation can suck.
Here are some examples…
9 Bicycle
Remember when you where little and it seemed like you rode your bike everywhere? Well, you didn’t. Bikes always give children (sometimes adults) a false sense of distance. You sit on your Huffy and think “Pedal 15 miles? That’s nothing. I could do that in my sleep.” Maybe, except for the fact that you often forget to factor in hills, disappearing bike lanes (or sidewalks), and the dreaded “seat rash.” Not to mention problems with gears popping lose and the possibility of getting a flat tire. And nothing is sadder than the forlorn face of a kid pushing a bike with a flat tire.
8 Horseback
First of all, you gotta find a horse that you can catch. That’s probably much harder than it sounds. Then you have to train said horse to let you ride it, so I hope you have a strong collarbone. When you finally get comfortable, you find out that your falling days aren’t over because horses spook easily and often have their own agenda. Plus, it’s one of the only forms of transportation that can die in the middle of your trip. And the pain in your butt after riding for long periods — hope you don’t feel like sitting down for awhile.
7 Airplanes
Airplanes obviously are amazing for a number of reasons, but let’s look at the process. Airports suck. They just do. If you’re at an airport that means you are waiting to get somewhere else. Not to mention what a nightmare security has become. Then you get to sit shoulder-to-shoulder in a confined space while a baby cries and you watch some Keanu Reeves movie that makes you itch to grab that handle on the emergency exit. Plus, the hot girl getting on the plane late never sits next to me. I get stuck with Klaus from Hamburg, who speaks limited English and wears limited deodorant. And does he want to talk your ear off for the next 5 hours. (Sorry, that got a little personal.) And in the event of a crash…you’re probably 100% dead. But that may still be better than sitting next to Klaus.
6 Greyhound Bus
It’s just like an airplane, except it takes 5x as long and you actually often find yourself praying for a crash.
5 Rickshaw
Who thought of this? “You know horses are so expensive and they’re always defecating on my carriage; you know what, we’ll just make Larry pull us around. “ Humans are equal to zero horsepower; no human being should be used as a form of transportation (insert “your mom” joke here). Unless you’re being pulled by Ladainian Tomlinson, you are going to be in for a long and uncomfortable ride.
4 Stagecoach
I’ve played “Oregon Trail.” If your not fording rivers, fixing wooden wagon wheels or dying of dysentery, you’re getting attacked by Native Americans. And those horses are ALWAYS tired. The kids are complaining about Cholera, and the wife has measles. How the hell does everyone have diarrhea? This is the last time I take the whole clan cross country to Wally World. Oh no, the moose out front says they are closed…
3 A Segway
Say, what’s a good way to say “I’m somewhat lazy, enjoy leaning, and have entirely too much disposable income?” Buy a Segway Scooter. They are slow, they are expensive ($7500), and most people that see you riding one will say, “Look at that idiot on the Segway.” Even when you see a police officer riding one, any intimidation goes right out the window and is replaced by judgmental snickering. Plus you can’t ghost ride a Segway. That ain’t very baller of you.
2 Roller skates
Remember that time that guy roller skated across China to promote world peace? Of course you don’t, because it never happened. So much can go wrong on a pair of roller skates (that’s why there are so many comedy bits with them). You can fall forward on your face, backward on your ass, and if you hit even the tiniest pebble while cruising along–BAM! Face full of concrete. A bolt could come loose, causing a wheel to fall off and another concrete facial. Don’t even think about climbing stairs. And don’t get me started on that duck walk you have to use to get up hills (excruciating on the feet). My ankles are swelling up just thinking about it.
1 By foot
When you have no other options, you can always hoof it. The agony of uncomfortable shoes and quarter-sized blisters are mocking you into trying. Damn it, will somebody just invent a hoverboard so I don’t have to exercise anymore? Never mind, here comes a bus…
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