7 hurdles women want men to clear for them

Jason Epstein

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ianpatterson99, Flickr

Men are kind of like Johnny Appleseed: they have the urge to roam the lands, planting their seed wherever they go. The only reason that most of us don’t do this is because we eventually end up feeling connected to a certain special someone. This woman has the power to make us go from boner-wielding nomads to family men. But along the way, there are certain hurdles that women tend to want their man to clear…

Photo credit: ianpatterson99, Flickr

7 Making it Official
This is when you switch over from dating to being in an actual committed relationship. You’re exclusive now and boy will you have to show it. Get ready to do lots of boyfriend things like giving her extended periods of your free time on the weekends and not looking at other women.

6 Meeting Her Family
Not long after this, it will be time to meet her family. This is meant to disarm her father (who may literally be sitting, armed in a dark corner petting his double-barreled sawed-off flip-action shotgun) who may not yet approve of you. This also gives her mother the chance to agree with her that yes, you are cute and your career is perfectly decent enough. Work on your handshake skills for dad and your complimentary remarks skills for mom.

5 Moving in Together
Hefty chunks of bathroom and closet real estate will be hers and there will, in fact, be too many cooks in the kitchen. This should always be a way to capitalize on a great relationship, not apply a bandage to a suffering one. Co-habitation (even without marriage) is actually quite healthy, so if you’re both happy with this, be ready for her to start hinting at the next steps…

4 Engagement
Pick out the biggest blood diamond (the price of which falls directly on a month’s salary or whatever the recession’s equivalent is) you can find and slap that bad boy on her awaiting finger. It’s time for you to show your commitment to her… with precious metals.

3 Marriage
You’ve made a promise and you can’t back out now. If you’ve survived the hellish ordeal that is the wedding planning process, then you’re basically made for each other anyway. So why not get married?

2 A Baby
After you get hitched, you’ll go on a honeymoon and then have an excellent few months of exuberant newly-wed awesomeness. (Read: fuckin’ like bunnies.) But after that, there’ll be the question: what about a family? It’s time for your wife to transform herself (with your aid) into a baby making machine. Nine months and a boatload of crazy later, you’ll have your family.

1 Another Baby
Seriously!? The little guy just learned how to projectile vomit and is using our drapes for target practice. You want another baby, already? It might be hard to wrap your mind around how you got here, but you’re neck-deep in it now and what’s left but to shrug and realize that this is what you’ve been aiming for your whole life anyway. Isn’t it?